


Satisfied

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: Happily Ever Eventually [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Multi, Reader is an unreliable narrator, Reader-Insert, Self-Esteem Issues, eventual polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-06-02 15:38:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19444426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Y/n just wants Jensen to be happy, even if it takes a bit of sacrifice.~~~~~~~~~~~~I couldn’t focus on Gino’s tour. Between two large stainless steel tanks was a large window, I could see Jay in the bar. He was talking with the staff, smiling and laughing, but I could see his eyes were trained on the long table near the restrooms…where Danneel was sitting.I hadn’t seen her in two months, since we brought Mav home from the hospital, since I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t too late for Dee and Jay. They were never going to not be in love and once Danneel processed her jealousy and got over it…she wanted the man she loves back, and he would never be happy with me. He wasn’t completely happy with her and she’s amazing.I excused myself as soon as Gino asked if I had any questions. Jensen was so focused on his ex that he didn’t notice me. I took a seat at the bar, and looked out across the bar. No, the brewery was not my domain. It was Danneel’s.She was glowing. Her hair always seemed so perfect and her eyes so fucking bright…and the way he looks at her? The way he always looks at her. I get a percentage of the light in his eyes when he looks at me, but when he looks at Danneel…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please pay attention to the tags! This will be taking a poly turn eventually! Also, VERY important: the reader is an unreliable narrator. Between her terrible self esteem issues and the hormones from the pregnancy, you have to take everything she thinks is happening with a grain of salt.

**Chapter Warnings:** angst, self-esteem issues, reader talks all kinds of crap about herself

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen pulled his pickup truck into the staff parking lot beside the brewery and looked over at me. I was tapping my cell phone against my thigh. He just looked at me, but I’ve know Jay long enough to hear the question he’s not asking me. “I know he’s in good hands. It’s just…I haven’t spent more than a nap away from Mav since he was born and…”

“And if you wanna go back to work, you gotta get used to the idea of leaving Mad Max with a nanny.”

I sighed. “I _know_ that, Jay, but he’s only nine weeks old.”

“You went back to work when Nova was only five weeks,” he reminded me.

“Not by choice! I went back because I had to! Nate lost his job. If I could have, I would’ve stayed with her the whole twelve weeks.”

“I know. But is she any worse for the wear?” he asked. I sighed. “No. She’s one of the smartest kids I’ve ever met and the fact that you went back to work early and stopped breastfeeding early, neither of those things really affected her. Mav’ll be fine. Don’t worry about him. Let’s just have some fun. I haven’t seen the brewery in months.”

I nodded. The Family Business Beer Company was holding a party and we were going to have our first night out together since the baby was born. I pressed a kiss to his cheek and opened the door. Jensen rushed out the drivers side and around the hood, making it to my side to help me down from the cab. “Ya know, if your truck weren’t so big, you wouldn’t have to help me down.”

“Yeah, but if it weren’t this big,” he started, smirking at me, “how would I fit?”

I ignored the obvious innuendo and allowed him to slip his arm through mine so that he could escort me across the gravel to the building with the rust-colored siding.

I’d never been to the brewery. It was Danneel’s domain. Jensen had told me about Gino Graul and Nate Seale, but I had never met them. I wasn’t sure how they were gonna react to me. If any of Jay’s friends were gonna be anti-me, it’d be the guys from the brewery. They weren’t like the SPN Family. They never met me before everything got complicated. Hell, Gino is Danneel’s literal family.

“There’s the man! Nice of you to grace us with your presence tonight, Ackles!” a man with a thin well-kept beard came over as soon as we entered the side door into the brewery part of the building.

“Sorry, man. I’ve been a little busy, Gino,” Jensen smiled and left my side to wrap the man in a tight hug. He turned to me as he released Gino. “G, this is my girlfriend, y/n.”

“Mother of the newest Ackles kid. I’ve seen pictures but they don’t do justice. Nice to meet you.”

I could feel myself blush as I took Gino’s hand. “That’s very kind. It’s great to meet you, too.”

“You gonna have a few beers or…”

“Uh, I’m still breastfeeding so…”

Jay clapped his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll get her a Spree, she’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know about that, honey.”

“It’s got a 3.7 percent ABV and if you’re that worried about it, you can pump and dump before you feed him again, okay?” I smiled up at him and nodded. “Gino, give my girl the penny tour while I get her a pint, huh?”

I couldn’t focus on Gino’s tour, though. Between two large stainless steel tanks (which Gino told me were called CCVs) was a large window, I could see Jay in the bar. He had a light-colored beer in a tall glass in one hand, a dark one in a short glass in the other hand. He was talking with the staff, smiling and laughing, but I could see his eyes were trained on the long table near the restrooms…where Danneel was sitting with two other women.

I hadn’t seen her in two months, since we brought Mav home from the hospital, since I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t too late for Dee and Jay. They were never going to not be in love and once Danneel processed her jealousy and got over it…she wanted the man she loves back, and he would never be happy with me. He wasn’t completely happy with _her_ and she’s amazing.

I let Gino finish his tour, his explanation of the differences between the kinds of hops and what made the Grackle so dark and the Spree so sweet, but I wasn’t paying much attention.

I excused myself as soon as Gino asked if I had any questions, rushing for the women’s room. Jensen was so focused on his ex that he didn’t notice me.

I took a seat at the bar, along the side near the door to the merch room, and looked out across the bar. No, the brewery was not my domain. It was Danneel’s.

She was glowing. Her hair always seemed so perfect and her eyes so fucking bright…and the way he looks at her? The way he _always_ looks at her. I get a percentage of the light in his eyes when he looks at me, but when he looks at Danneel…

Since that day we brought home Maverick, I started the conversation a million ways in my head, letting it play out in my mind until it came to a conclusion.

_“She still loves you.”_ Conclusion _: “Well, I better go back to her and the kids I had first.”_

_“She’d take you back if you asked.”_ Conclusion _: “Well, I’d rather have her, anyway.”_

_“She thinks we could all be one happy family.”_ Conclusion _: “We could all live in one house and you could have me on nights when Dee’s too tired! That’d be perfect!”_

I wanted him happy, though. As much as it would hurt me to go back to the mistress position, if that’s what Jay needed to be happy…

“Where’s your head, baby girl?” I snapped my eyes to his as he walked over, setting the light-colored beer on the bar top as I forced a smile. “You back home with Mav?”

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Then why are you starin’ at Danneel?”

I shrugged. “Because you were?”

“Was I?” he asked, looking over at her again.

“You miss her.” It wasn’t one of the ways I’d practiced starting the conversation but it slipped out before I could stop it.

“Well, yeah.” He rubbed at the back of his neck and leaned against the bar. “She was a big part of-”

“No, Jay, it’s not that. Lie to me, but come on.” I shook my head, avoiding his eyes and swiping my thumb through the condensation on the outside of my glass. “You still love her.”

He ran his fingers through his hair and licked his lips. “I wanna lie, but…you already know so…”

“Thank you for not insulting my intelligence,” I said, before swallowing thickly. “She loves you, too.”

“Okay. So?”

“So? So, you’re still in-”

He shook his head. “Baby girl, stop.”

“She said we might be able to be one big happy family,” I continued, trying to get past my heart pounding in my chest. “When we brought Mav home, she-”

Jay reached out and grabbed my hand. “Calm down, y/n/n. What are you tryin’ to say, huh?”

I took a deep breath and chanced a look in his eyes. “I want you to be happy, Jay, and I know I’m not ever gonna be-”

“Shut up,” he demanded. “I’m not gonna listen to you-”

“Tell me you don’t want her. Tell me that you’re gonna be able to be completely happy with me, that you’d never think about the might’ve beens, that you can live with half your heart because she’s got the-”

“What do you want me to say, y/n?” he asked, softly.

My heart hurt. “I just told you,” I answered. “But you can’t say it, not honestly. You will never be truly happy without her.”

“Never be truly happy without you, either,” he said, sincerely. “And she left me, baby. _She_ walked away.”

“I walked away once, too.”

“She _chased_ you away. Chased you into a toxic relationship with a horrible, manipulative piece of shit who thought he owned you. Come on!” Jay ran his hand up my arm to settle on my shoulder. “What do you want me to do here, baby girl?”

I hopped down off of the wobbly three-legged stool and pulled my phone out of my pocket. “I want you to go over there and talk to your wife while I call the nanny to check on Maverick.”

“She’s not my wife.”

I smiled tightly and gestured at her. “Her license and SAG card still say ‘Ackles’ so…go talk to her.”

“Why are you doing this?”

I stepped toward the door out to the patio. “I live for your happiness, Jensen. Never forget it.”

Calling Janessa to check in took about two minutes. We were gone for two hours, Mav was asleep. She had everything she needed. I didn’t go back inside. I walked over to the playground. It was dark, but I could make out the end of the slide with no problem. I sat down and tapped my phone against my thigh.

_***Maybe he won’t do it. Maybe he’s just in there finishing his Grackle and he’ll come find me in a few minutes.*** _

I knew I was an idiot to hope, though. The woman he married versus the one he accidentally knocked up? Model gorgeous, amazing, perfect Danneel? Or _me_? Fuck, she never stopped being his number one. I was always going to be the second string, the understudy, the mistress.

When they walked out of the brewery a few minutes later, they were holding hands. I could practically see the way they were looking at each other. So much love between them.

What’s the line from _Hamilton_? “Nice going, Angelica. He was right. You will never be satisfied.”

Think I’d have learned my lesson, right? Putting the people I love over me to my own detriment has never done a damn thing to help me. This wasn’t going to be any different. I was going to lose him.

Did I ever really have him, though?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Warnings:** angst, self-esteem issues, reader talks all kinds of crap about herself, pre-smut

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My phone lit up in my hand, a selfie Jensen took with my phone back when I first started on the show smiling up at me as the cell vibrated against my palm. I let it ring through. I didn’t want to hear “Dee and I are gonna go somewhere to rekindle. I left the keys in the truck. Drive safe.” Somehow, it seemed like it would hurt less as a voicemail. **  
**

He didn’t leave one. I waited for the notification tone that said I had a voice message waiting but it never came.

“You know the Uber drivers hate comin’ out here, especially this time of night.” I gasped and twisted, my eyes falling on Jensen leaning against the slide behind me. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you to leave me a voicemail,” I responded, honestly.

“Danneel wanted to talk to you, but you didn’t pick up so I came to find you.”

“How’d you find me so fast?” I asked, biting the inside of my lip.

He moved to stand in front of me. “I figured since you were practically _throwing_ me at my ex-wife that you were probably on the playground, replaying the day she chased you off in your head.”

I looked down and bit my lip. “This isn’t a swing.”

“You know the worst part of this self-esteem thing you got? Other than the fact that I’m sure being my mistress compounded a lot of your issues so this is partly my fault?” I didn’t answer him, focusing on the sand at my feet. “It’s that I don’t know how to make you see what I see. I tell you you’re the most amazing, beautiful, selfless woman I know and it goes right over your head.”

I fought the urge to make a short joke to cut the tension, eyes flicking up to look at his face. He licked his lips and shook his head. “I know you think you’re less than her. Less gorgeous, less talented, less worthy.”

“She was a _model_ , Jensen!” I exclaimed. “She’s the sex symbol of _One Tree Hill_ , she played a completely believable Playboy Bunny on _CSI_! You married her, had kids with her, if she hadn’t left you, you’d still _be_ married to her.”

“She left me because she was jealous of _you_ , kid, and I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but I had a child with you, too. You forget about Mav already?”

“Mav was an accident!” I snapped.

I immediately wanted to take the words back as his eyes went dark, a scary amount of anger filling them. I’d only seen that look a few times, usually in regards to Tom or my relationship with him. “So was JJ… _and_ one of the twins. You think I love ‘em any fuckin’ less?” I shook my head, words failing me as I drowned in shame. He bit roughly into his bottom lip. “I’ma send Danneel your way. When you decide you want me to take you home to our ‘ _accident_ ’, I’ll be at the fuckin’ bar.”

I opened my mouth to call after him, to apologize, to say something to fix it, but my voice refused. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I let them fall.

“You okay, sweetie?” Danneel’s voice made me wipe at the tears.

“I was just trying to do the right thing for Jensen and now he’s angry at me and I said something so terrible. I-”

She flopped down in the sand at my feet and looked up at me. “He’ll forgive you. He’s good about that kinda stuff.” I nodded. He might forgive me, but would I? Calling Maverick and accident? It was the truth, but…the implications were…harsh. “You’re such a giver. You see that, don’t you?” she asked, picking at her rainbow socks.

“Not a lot of people would do what you do, constantly putting other people’s happiness above your own.”

“ _You_ did. You agreed to an open marriage.”

“I suggested it.” She smiled, eyes sparkling. “We were fighting a lot and at first, just having the option available was enough to keep him stable. But then he started talking to Isabella from Marketing. It was such a blessing when she decided she couldn’t deal anymore. You, though, you were so different.“

I took a deep breath and wiped at my eyes again. She hopped up and moved to sit on the steps to the tic-tac-toe tiles. She patted the spot next to her and I got up, sitting beside her. "Do you know what I liked most about you when I was looking into your social media, trying to decide if you were gonna be good for him?” She set her hand on my knee and turned slightly, tapping her thumb against my leg. “You’re real. An absolute down-to-earth Southern girl. Like me. Your hometown is about three hundred fifty miles from mine, you know. You never let your sudden success go to your head. You were always respectful and nice. You never complained about anything, y/n. You never even talked shit about Nate.”

“It doesn’t help anyone to complain…and Nate wasn’t so bad.”

“Bullshit, y/n. He was horrible! But not as bad as Tom Hiddleston and you didn’t speak out against him either.” Danneel wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to her. I stiffened next to her, not used to how touchy-feely she was being. “Even when you did that interview, you went soft. You could have destroyed him, but you didn’t. You gave the facts and nothing more. You’re just such an amazing, selfless, giving woman, y/n. You have to stop hurting yourself to give to others, though.”

She squeezed my shoulder and I took a deep breath. “You aren’t a doormat, sweetie. Jensen doesn’t want you to be one and neither do I.”

“But you still love each other. What kind of person would stand in the way of-”

“He loves you, too. Just because he loved me first doesn’t mean I have some sort of claim to him.” She reached out and tucked her fingers under my chin, making me look at her. “You’re a beautiful woman, inside and out. You are worth so much more than you think you are.” I swallowed as she smiled sweetly at me, bright red lips curling up at the edges. “You think you’re not good enough for Jay?”

“You weren’t and you’re-”

“I was thousands of miles away all the time. You work with him, sweetie. You’re never far from him, are you?” I shook my head. “And the show’s ending and you’ll have him home a lot more than I ever did.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! See, you don’t have anything to apologize for. You should be happy.”

“I _am_ happy…well, not right now, but…is _he_?”

“Yes, y/n, he is. He’s happy. He loves you and he loves Maverick. You have an amazing thing with him. Stop worrying that he’s not happy. I’ve seen how he looks at you, how he looks at your little boy…” Danneel pulled me into a hug, her hand pressing my face into her shoulder. “Don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing. I made that mistake. Learn from it.”

I couldn’t stop the tears running down my face into her black cotton blouse. She ran her hand up and down my back and, as weird as it was to get it from my boyfriend’s ex-wife, I was overcome with a sense of comfort. I could see where I was sabotaging myself. I could see where I was fucking everything up. It was like she’d shined a light on me.

“Why don’t you go in and try to talk to Jensen?”

I nodded and pulled away from her, standing and wiping at my eyes. “Th-thank you.”

“Go on, sweetie,” she encouraged, swatting a hand across my butt. It forced an awkward giggle from me. I shook my head in disbelief as I walked back toward the brewery.

I walked in and took a deep breath as I approached the bar where Jensen was sitting on the bartop. When his eyes fell on me, he jumped down and set his beer glass on the wood. “Come ‘ere.” He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. “We’re gonna chalk this up to postpartum crazy and never talk about it again, okay?”

“We gotta talk about my crazy, Jay, or it won’t get better.” He sighed and pulled back, looking down at me with exasperation. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so…I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to go back to her and I’m not trying to _throw_ you at her and Mav is so important to me and I know you never felt like it was a bad thing that the Plan B failed and-”

“Baby girl, you’re babbling,” he whispered, cupping my cheek and running his thumb across my cheekbone.

“You and Mav are so important to me, but…I don’t know. I just…I know you still feel-”

“That’s not important. I love _you_. I’ve made a life with you on the ashes of the one she burned down. You’re one of the best things in my world. I don’t need her to be happy.” He kissed my forehead and bumped his nose against mine. “I’m happy with you. You and Maverick and Nova…you all mean so fuckin’ much to me. Okay?”

I nodded and he leaned down to kiss my lips. I wrapped my hands around his neck and held him to me for a bit longer than necessary. 

“She’s still part of my life. She always will be. Jay Bird and the twins mean she’s always gonna be there, but you’re not the mistress, anymore, baby. You gotta get that outta your head. _You’re_ my girl.”

I smiled softly at the declaration. “You don’t want to have us both?” I asked, teasingly.

He smirked. “Well, that’s every straight man’s dream, but I don’t see how that’d work out too well.” I gave a scoffing chuckle and he kissed me again, adding a little tongue this time. I could taste the bitterness of his dark stout beer, the coffee notes lingering in my mouth. “Let me get you another Spree, since you didn’t drink the first one. They’re gonna be breaking out a guitar in a little while and I want you to sing Desperado with me.”

I nodded and he walked away toward the bar. As he poured my beer, I thought about the reasons for my little breakdown. ‘Postpartum crazy’ probably wasn’t too far off. I knew my hormones were still weird. Yeah, two months seems like long enough to let the pregnancy hormones settle, and I was definitely ‘okay’ again by this point in Nova’s life, but I didn’t breastfeed for so long with her. 

Jensen was right and Danneel was, too. There were moments when I was with Jensen that I felt like the most beautiful woman in existence, but then there were times when I knew that I could never match up to the woman who left him. It’s worse than competing with a ghost of the past, because…there she is. She’s a part of his life for the rest of it.

“Nate, grab the acoustic outta the office. y/n is gonna sing for us!” Jensen called out across the room.

I took the beer Jay offered and shook my head. “ _We’re_ gonna sing, honey. You said you wanted me to sing _with_ you.” 

He smiled and kissed me again. “Whatever you want, baby girl.”

We sat on the first long table closest to the bar and Jensen played the guitar and I sang along with him to Desperado and Simple Man. I drank the beer, a tart but not bitter German wheat beer that I really enjoyed. When I looked over at Jensen, he was smiling that perfect smile, looking at me like I was the most important thing in the universe. Fuck, that’s the look. That’s how he looks at Danneel.

I was struck with the question of, ‘Has he always looked at me like that? Has it always been just the same? Are we actually equals?’

“How are you tipsy off’a one Berliner Weisse?” Jay asked as he helped me to his truck an hour later. “You used to be able to down hard liquor and come out without an issue.”

“I’m _barely_ tipsy and I think you’ve forgotten that I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since I found out I was pregnant. It’s been almost a year?” As he opened the door for me, I stepped up and used the extra height to grab the collar of his shirt and pull him against me. “I love you,” I mumbled against his lips.

His hands slipped down to grab my ass and I groaned, loudly. A tingling heat started up between my thighs and I grasped at his shoulders. Jay and I hadn’t had sex since before Vegas, before the baby, we were too tired…but now? With a little bit of alcohol in my veins, the smell of Jensen’s musk and cologne assaulting my senses and him looking at me like I was _the_ object of all of his desires?

I scrambled backwards into the cab of the truck and pulled on his shirt to get him to follow me. He took the hint easily, climbing into the cab and covering my body with his. He hooked his foot in the door handle and pulled it closed as he started kissing and sucking at my neck. “Oh! Fuck. Right there,” I gasped out as his hands slipped under my shirt. 

“This is a bad idea, isn’t it?” he asked, but he didn’t stop.

“I don’t care,” I admitted. “I want it.” 

His big hands moved across my breasts, but he didn’t grope or caress them. “Can’t wait ‘til I can play with these again. I miss your tits, baby.”

“Couple more months, Jay. I miss you playin’ with ‘em, too.”

He pulled back and smiled down at me. “You really gonna let me fuck you out here in the truck? I don’t know how I feel about your sudden exhibitionism, y/n.”

I flushed hot with shame at the thought of being on display. “You’re right. I just…” I shook my head. “Just got carried away.”

He chuckled and kissed me. “Let’s not do that. Last time we got carried away with each other, we ended up with Mad Max.”

I leaned up and pressed my lips to his, burying my hand in his hair as I ran my tongue over his perfect lips. “We’ve got condoms in my bedside table. Take me home…and let’s hope Mav lets us have some ‘Mommy and Daddy’ time.”

“Oh, we’re not going home. We’ve got a live-in nanny, baby. We’re gonna stop at a gas station and then I’m taking you to a hotel for the night.”

“What?” I sat up and he maneuvered himself behind the steering wheel. “Really?”

“Hey, I’ve been waiting for your sex drive to make a comeback since Vegas. We’re gonna make the most of it.” He winked at me as he pulled his keys out of his pocket and fit them in the ignition. The truck’s engine roared to life and the local country station filtered through the speakers. 

As he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the narrow winding road that flowed through Dripping Springs, I slid closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder as a Dierks Bentley song played. “Love you.” He reached down and took my hand, driving completely unsafely with just his left hand on the wheel. For some reason, I wasn’t worried about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Warnings:** smut, **18+ HERE BE SEX! DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!,** oral sex (fem and male rec), protected sex, angst, a surprise of terribleness (yeah, that’s all the warning you get)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room Jensen got us at the Sleep Inn had on distractingly ugly green wall. Just one. The other walls were cream-colored, but the wall behind the headboard was green I only cringed about it for a moment before Jay’s lips met my neck and I forgot about it.

“Missed you. Missed the taste of you,” he mumbled into my skin before licking at the place where my neck and shoulder meet. “Can’t wait to get you screaming again.”

I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head, throwing it across the room and turning to him. He was looking down at me, beautiful green eyes dark with lust and, fuck, the fact that he looks at me like that still seems like some crazy dream.

“Get outta your head, woman,” he demanded, fingers curling around my neck and tipping my head back. “Right here, right now. Don’t think about anything else, okay?”

“Was just thinking about how much I love you. Is that allowed?” I asked, popping the button on my jeans.

“Of course it is. As long as it doesn’t come with that self-deprecating BS about how you don’t get why _I_ love _you_.”

“I love and hate how you know me so well.” I smiled. “What, I can’t feel bad that standing here in my fat jeans while you are looking like a sculpture poured into _your_ jeans?”

“Maternity jeans are not ‘fat jeans’. They’re ‘you spent ten months growing an adorable parasite’ jeans and you deserve to be comfortable in your clothes, baby girl. Don’t worry about the pants. Just take ‘em off.” He winked at me and I chuckled.

Sometimes Jay knows exactly how to cut through all of my internal bullshit. Sometimes it just takes a firm word and a wink and everything is aces.

I dropped my jeans to my feet and kicked my shoes off, pants going with them. Jay grabbed my hips and guided me to the bed, kissing me sweetly before pushing me to bounce on the mattress. His hands slid up my thighs and ran across my belly pooch, but I didn’t feel it. “Still numb?” he whispered, thumb dragging along the incision scars.

“Yeah. May never feel my tummy again. But the rest of my nerves still work.”

“Oh, yeah?” He smirked as he dragged his hand down, thumb easily finding my clit and rubbing it through the cotton. I gasped and jerked at the sensation. “Definitely feelin’ that, ain’t’cha?”

“Yeah,” I said on a breath. “It feels so good, too. More, please, Jay.”

“More what? More pressure?” He pressed his thumb down hard and I moaned. “More stimulation?” He pulled my underwear to the side and slid his thick middle finger into my pussy. His lips came to my neck, sucking lightly as fucked me with his finger. "You’re so fucking beautiful, baby girl,” he mumbled against my skin.

“Jay, fuck! Please!”

“When’s the last time you came, y/n? Was it last time I made you cum on my cock? Or have you played with yourself since then?”

“I’ve been too ti-tired to masturbate,” I whimpered. “Ha-have you been-”

“Every fucking day, baby girl.” He added another finger and curled them against my walls. “Think you’re way overdue.”

He slipped down my body and dragged my panties down my legs, positioning himself between my thighs and hooking my legs over his shoulders. I whimpered as he kissed the inside of my thigh, his perfect teeth scraping along my flesh. He slipped his middle finger back into me as his tongue started drawing circles around my clit. “Oh, god, Jay!” He hummed against my pussy, slight vibrations making me gasp. “Please. Please, please, please! I need it!”

He added another finger and started to lap at my pussy like a man starved. It didn’t take long for my whole body to erupt in pleasure. He pulled back, staring down at me as I panted and jerked from the aftershocks. “You okay, baby girl?”

“Uh-huh. I’m…yup,” I said, sighing happily. “You’re really good at that, ya know?”

He chuckled and licked his lips. “Never had any complaints.”

“Why do you still have all your clothes on?” I asked, pulling on his shirt.

“Is it such a crime for me to focus on your pleasure first?” he asked, his eyebrows raising.

“Well, it’s pleasurable for me to see you naked, so take it off, honey.”

He hopped backward off the bed and grabbed his shirt, tearing it off over his head and tossing it away. I leaned forward and grabbed his belt buckle, yanking him closer so that I could undo the leather. “I love it when you get all eager for me.”

I didn’t respond, pulling the belt open and immediately going to work on his button and zipper. I just really wanted his cock in my hands, in my mouth, in my cunt. He helped push his jeans and boxers down his thighs and I wrapped my hand around his cock, pumping my fist up and down his length. I looked up at his face as he let out a guttural groan. There is nothing better than knowing I’m the reason Jensen has that look of extreme pleasure on his face.

I scrambled off the bed and dropped to my knees in front of him, taking his cock in my mouth and beginning a fast and enthusiastic blow job. His hands buried in my hair as I bobbed my head, one hand massaging his balls and the other stroking the part of his cock I couldn’t get in my mouth. “Fuck, baby, that’s so fuckin’ good. Stop, though, gotta stop.” He moved his hips back and reached down to grab me under my arms and toss me back onto the bed. He stepped out of his pants and pulled out the three-pack of Trojan Bare Skin condoms we bought at the gas station down the street.

I watched him roll the condom on and lay back with my head on the pillow as soon as he had it secure. “Spread those legs for me, y/n,” he said, kneeling on the mattress. I did immediately and he grabbed my ankles, placing them on his shoulders. “You ready?” he asked, running the tip of his cock along my slit to bump my clit.

“Yes! Fuck me, please!”

He smirked as he adjusted the angle of his hips and started to push his cock into me. It had been so long since we were joined together like that, we had to take a moment to breathe and calm down. He looked down at me with lust-dark emerald eyes and an expression hiding none of the love in his heart. “Slow and steady or just fucked into oblivion as hard and fast as possible?” he whispered, caressing my calf.

“We can do slow and steady later, right?”

“We got the room ‘til noon tomorrow, baby. We can do a morning delight if you’re up for it.”

“There’s your answer, Jay.”

“Works for me,” he said, giving a few experimental pumps of his hips and smiling at my moans. “Louder.”

He started to snap his hips, his cock ramming my cervix and my eyes rolling up into my head. I obliged the request for 'louder’, whining that high pitched whine and moaning for him as he grunted and moaned with each thrust.

“Jay, please, fuck, please, I need-”

“Want me to play with your clit, baby girl? Just gotta ask.”

“ _Please_!”

He reached down and pressed his thumb to my clit, rubbing circles across it, making me shudder and shake. I clenched around his cock and he groaned, his pace stuttering as my orgasm triggered his. He thrust in hard and fell on top of me, his weight pressing me into the mattress as he kissed me while his cock twitched inside me, proof of him cumming in the condom. “I miss when you were pregnant and we didn’t need condoms,” he muttered as he pulled back and pulled out to take the condom off.

I sighed, loudly and dramatically. “I will make a damn appointment with Doctor Sexton as soon as I’m done breastfeeding, okay?”

Jensen smiled brightly as he dropped the condom in the trash and jumped back on the bed. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said, curling into his side and laying my head on his shoulder.

“Since we’re still out here, you wanna go to the brewery again tomorrow? See it in the daylight, without Dee around to dampen your mood?”

“Danneel didn’t dampen my mood, I did. Because I’m an idiot.” I sighed and snuggled closer. “But yeah, I don’t think it’d be a bad thing to go back. Love to watch you interact with the fans.”

Jensen kissed the top of my head and pulled the blanket up around our chests.

The next morning, after an hour and a half of 'slow and steady’, we drove back to the brewery. I sat at the bar and watched as fans fawned over Jay and got selfies with him. I had a few ask for selfies with me and they were kind enough to tell me that I looked absolutely gorgeous for a woman who just gave birth and I thanked them with a smile for lying to me.

“Miss y/l/n?” a voice behind me made me turn.

“Yeah?” I smiled at the man in the smart suit as he reached into his briefcase.

“You’ve been served,” he said, handing me an envelope and snapping a picture with his phone.

“Okay. Thank you.” I sighed and tore open the envelope, expecting to see something from the Santa Rosa County, Florida Clerk of Courts, something from Nate about Nova. What I saw filled me with a mix of disgust and anger and fear. “I’m gonna be sick.”

“What is it?” Jay asked, walking up.

“It’s a-a court order compelling me to present one Maverick Maxwell Ackles at this lab in Austin f-for a blood test for proof of paternity preliminary to the petition for custody f-fi-iled by Thomas William Hi-Hiddleston,” I stuttered out.

He grabbed the papers and read over them quickly. “He’s trying to claim my son is his? I’m gonna kill him.”

“This is revenge for leaving him! This just-I don’t-I…”

“Calm down, okay?” Jay grabbed my biceps and I looked up at him. Usually he would be making me feel better just by being there but not this time. “This _is_ just Tom trying to make your life hell for having the audacity to leave him. There’s no way that Mad Max is his, right? You guys used condoms every time.”

“Yeah, except the first time and he pulled out and that was at the end of September!”

“Okay. Okay, so we take Mav to get his blood drawn, they’re gonna see he’s mine and the court will dismiss the custody thing. No problem.”

I nodded but I knew it wouldn’t be that simple. Tom wasn’t going to just back off about it. Unfortunately, I was going to have to talk to the man. I called him from the phone at the brewery because pay phones aren’t a thing anymore and I wasn’t going to let him have my cell number again.

He picked up on the second ring. “Hello?”

“Tom, what the hell are you doing?” I hissed into the phone.

“Ah! Y/n! Calling me from Jensen’s brewery, I see.” It made me cringe that he recognized the number of Family Business even though I’d never called him from there before. “I assume you mean the Proof of Paternity for the Custody suit?”

“Of course that’s what I mean, you psycho!”

“No need for name-calling, Dear.” I cringed again at the word. “I saw a picture of your sweet son, Maverick, named by Jensen no doubt, and I couldn’t help but think he looked a bit like me.”

“He looks _nothing_ like you! He looks just like Jensen! Why are you doing this?”

“Because if that boy is my son, I won’t have you keep him from me.”

“This is insane! We used condoms!” I insisted.

“Not the night before you flew to Vancouver,” he responded, coolly.

It was like being dunked in freezing water. “What? Y-yes, we did. I remember you putting it on.”

“But did I _keep_ it on?” His voice had a tinge of amusement to it and I felt like I was going to be sick again.

I couldn’t speak for a long moment. “You didn’t take it off,” I practically begged in a whisper.

“Of course I did. We were planning a future together. I was going to make you my wife.”

“That’s…that’s gotta be…that’s gotta be some kind of assault. That's…” I took a steadying breath and shook my head. “Doesn’t matter. The timing is…he can’t be yours.”

“You don’t sound so certain of that, Dear. _I’m_ not certain. How certain is Jensen?”

“Don’t call me that,” I bit out, but my stomach felt like it was caving under the weight of the pit in it. “I’m positive that Maverick isn’t yours.”

“But will your boyfriend feel the same?”

“Is that what this is? Are you trying to get Jensen to stop trusting me? Because that’s not going to happen, Tom. Jensen loves me. He loves me more than-”

“He’s with you because you have a child with him, Dear. If it weren’t for little Maxwell, he would have begged his way back into his ex’s bed.”

“That’s not true. He was with me before Mav, that’s how Mav happened!”

“Mav happened because I wanted a child with you, Dear. And Jensen may have been fucking you but he wouldn’t be in a relationship with you if Danneel hadn’t left him. You do realize that, don’t you? How she’s always going to be his first choice.”

I tried to swallow down the pit of sadness that overwhelmed me, but I couldn’t. “This isn’t going to work, Tom. What you’re doing-”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he interrupted. “But if I were trying to accomplish something, I’d have to say it’s working by the tone of your voice. I dare say that Loki would be proud of the discord I’ll be weaving. I’ll see you at the courthouse, Dear.”

I stared at the phone for a few long moments before I set it back in its cradle and sat back down on my barstool. Panic overwhelmed me, fear and anger paralyzing me.

This was evil. It wasn’t just manipulative and controlling, it was evil. Sow discord, put doubt in my mind and Jay’s…Loki _would_ be proud.


	4. Chapter 4

My phone blew up with notifications less than an hour later. Tom wasn’t content to let the media find out about the custody suit on their own. No, he had to make an announcement. Tom’s announcements always ruin my fucking life.

I didn’t play the video until I had Jensen next to me at the bar. He wrapped an arm around me and covered my shaking hand with his to help me hold the phone up.

Tom still had the beard and he’d let his hair grow out a bit. He was wearing his glasses and smiling at whoever was holding the camera. “ _Hello, Facebook,_ ” he said, giving a little wave. “ _I thought it would be best for all of you to hear it from me, the horse’s mouth, so to speak. I have filed a suit against my former fiancee, y/n y/l/n, in regards to her son, Maxwell._ ”

He scratched at his beard and sighed. “ _I’ve done the math a hundred times. Maxwell was conceived on, or very close to, the night y/n left to return to her job on Supernatural. Now, it’s still entirely possible that the child is Jensen’s, since I wasn’t with her when she arrived in Vancouver._ ”

I bristled at the idea, the fact that he was accusing me of cheating again. I paused the video as Jensen’s arm tightened around me and he pressed his lips to my cheek. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” he whispered.

“He doesn’t have to. As long as everyone thinks-”

“What do we care what everyone thinks? _We_ know that we didn’t touch each other for six freaking weeks of torture. We know that Maverick is my son.”

“But…what if he really did take the condom off, Jay? What if he-”

Jensen shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.” He turned and twisted my head to look him in the eyes. He had that beautiful sincere look on his face. “Mav is my son. He is. Even if he isn’t-”

“He _is_!” I insisted. I couldn’t let Tom make me doubt. I had to stay resolute.

“Even if he isn’t, Baby Girl,” he whispered, smiling softly. “He is. That abusive piece of shit isn’t getting his hands on my son.”

I barely held in the happy sob that welled up in my chest. Jensen is so polar opposite of Tom that I can’t stand it, sometimes.

I took a deep breath and pressed ‘play’ again. “ _But we were trying for a child before she left me for Jensen. We were planning a life together before she fell under his spell. I feel it is just as likely that child is mine as it is his. I have tried on numerous occasions to convince her to allow a paternity test. She’s denied me at every turn. That’s why I have filed a custody suit to compel her to present Maxwell for testing. If this child is, indeed, my son-_ ” Tom sighed, eyes shining with practiced emotion. “ _I just want to be a part of his life. I don’t want to be deprived of my chance to be a father. I hope that y/n and I can come to an amicable solution._ ” He blew a kiss to the camera and the video ended.

“What an asshole! He’s such a lying piece of-”

“We should probably get out of here,” Jay suggested, pulling me off the bar stool. “Just a bit exposed here and I’d like to get you home with Mav.”

I nodded, letting him hold me close as we walked out to the parking lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next week was like the worst Hell I could experience. Paparazzi accosted me everywhere, the gossip blogs and shows seemed to have nothing better to do than speculate about it and, worse than anything else, one of his fans hacked my phone. My cell phone number (along with every picture on the phone, thankfully none risque) ended up on the internet and I received a tidal wave of death threats, dick pics, and crazies…followed by the inevitable return of Tom’s bullshit.

’ **You look gorgeous in the blue dress.’** and **'Your hair looks better in a bun.** ’ to let me know he was paying attention to the pictures of me on the blogs, tracking me, and ’ **The punishment a runaway slave faces grows with time, Dear.** ’ just to taunt me.

Jensen took my phone away on the third day. “We’ll get you a new one with a new number again, Y/n. I’m not letting him hurt you anymore than he already has.”

“He’ll just find another way to torture me, hon.”

“And you know what? We’re gonna respond. We’re gonna post our own video,” he said, pulling out his phone. He set his phone on the counter, leaning against the napkin holder, and angled it to shoot our faces. He cleared his throat and licked his lips. “Hey, everybody. We, uh, figured we should say something, right? There’s a lot of talk and speculation over the last few days and normally we would just deal in silence, hold our tongues and keep this stuff to ourselves but someone decided to announce it to the world…in what isn’t an obvious bid to use the media and court system as a weapon against his former victim, Tom has-”

“I don’t like that word,” I interrupted. Jensen hummed as he turned to look at me instead of his phone. “'Victim’. I’m not a victim. He wins if I’m a victim, and I’ll be damned if he’s gonna win.” I took a deep breath and let it all out. “Tom made it seem like I either bounced straight from his bed to Jay’s or…cheated on him. There was a six week gap between my breakup and altercation with Tom and my first time sleeping with Jensen. I have never cheated on _anyone_ and I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. The fact that Tom seems so intent to color me as this…unfaithful woman…hurts, but it’s not even close to the worst thing he’s done to me. I’ve overcome all of that…and I’ll overcome this, too.”

“And I’ll say one thing, and I’m sayin’ it straight to Tom,” Jensen leaned forward, his jaw muscle twitching as his emerald eyes narrowed at the camera. “Even if, by some freak event, Maverick’s test comes back positive for douchebag DNA, he is still _my_ son. I watched him grow from a spot on a sonogram to a beautiful specimen of humanity. I helped y/n through morning sickness and hormonal nights. I held her hand as the surgeon cut Mav out of her. You are not Maverick’s dad and you never will be. Never.”

We watched the video a couple times to make sure everything was fine, then we posted it on my Instagram.

“Hey.” Jay pulled me into his lap and held me to his chest. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“Damn right, it is,” Jared’s voice called from the foyer.

“I called in reinforcements,” Jay said, smiling.

“Where’s the whiskey?!” Briana shouted.

I couldn’t help the smile that graced my lips as Kim’s voice sounded, “She’s still breastfeeding, Bri!”

“It ain’t for her, Kimmy,” Misha said as the group entered the living room.

“Collins, I have told you before about calling me 'Kimmy’.”

I jumped off of Jay’s lap and rushed my friends. They all wrapped their arms around me, almost suffocating me in the embrace, but I welcomed it. I had tears in my eyes by the time they pulled away. Briana wiped them away. “Ackles told us everything, hon. Sorry it took us so long to get here. Had to coordinate flights to get here at the same time because _somebody_ didn’t wanna have to drive to the airport three times.”

Jared shrugged in response. “Bite me, Briana. Next time, take an Uber.”

“So, where’s Maverick?” Misha asked.

“He’s taking a nap in Nova’s room. For some reason, when she’s with Nate he really likes us putting up the playpen in there. He falls asleep immediately,” I answered.

“Awww, he misses his big sister!” Kim cooed.

“So, issue at hand since there’s an absence of children right now,” Misha started.

“How do we go about murdering a famous British actor?” Jared finished.

“Without anyone going to jail?” Kim added.

“We don’t,” I said, running a hand through my hair and sighing.

“What do you mean?” Bri whined. “He’s accusing you of cheating!”

“He’s using the media to stalk you!” Kim exclaimed.

“He’s harassing you on text messaging again!” Misha added.

“And let’s not forget the fact that he almost broke your wrist last year and he tried to get you drunk so he could convince you to sleep with him again and he still thinks he fucking owns you,” Jared barked.

“We can’t kill him and we can’t retaliate at all. If we pick a fight, we’re going to lose,” I said, sadly.

“Y/n-” several of them started.

“No. We can’t make things worse, guys. I love you all and thank you for coming, but…we’re just…we’re going to take Mav to get his blood drawn, then we’re going to talk to a judge and…and even if…”

Jay wrapped me in a hug from behind and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “We’ve got evidence of him hurting y/n and we’ve got the video I took at the PCAs where he calls her his ‘slave’ and doesn’t deny any of the bullshit he pulled. We’ll show the judge, make sure Mav doesn’t ever-”

“But the kid’s not his,” Misha said, but it was more of a question.

I swallowed. “The whole point of this is that there’s…reason for doubt. Mav was early. Things in the human body don’t always run like clockwork. Conception could’ve been-”

Panic filled my chest again as I thought about the way things could have actually gone down in my body.

“Oh, hey, honey! It’s okay. It’s fine, I promise!” Bri said, grabbing your arms and smiling brightly. “Just breathe, huh? We’re gonna take care of you.”

“And we’re gonna start with distracting you from your problem,” Jared said.

“And when that baby boy wakes up, you do not have to lift a finger except to feed him. We can’t do that for you,” Kim added.

“I love you guys. Thank you so much.”

“Hey. He’s got money and an army of crazies, but you’ve got us…and an army of crazies.” Misha smiled and I chuckled. “No, seriously. Have you seen Twitter?”

I shook my head. “I have been avoiding everything.”

“ _Our_ fans have been waging war against his. They’ve been fighting across Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook, and I’ve seen a few where they said they don’t even like you, but it’s obvious that Tom is just trying to torture you for leaving him.” Misha shrugged. “Crazy fans doing good things.”

“Story of our lives, huh?” I responded. Everyone agreed and smiled.

“Okay. So, I’ve got a suitcase full of makeup. I’m thinking mani-pedis, a gallon of glitter and some highlights in that hair.” Kim grabbed her bag as Bri moved me to sit on the couch.

“All right, where’s the movies? We’re gonna put on something loud and exciting,” Jared said.

Jensen smiled at me from the opposite end of the couch and everything seemed so much better and easier to take. “Okay, ladies. Pretty up my toes,” I said, smiling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a crowd of fans and paparazzi outside the clinic when Jay pulled the truck into the parking lot. Jared turned in the passenger seat to look at me in the back, sitting next to Mav in his car seat. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s just get this done.” I unbuckled the baby and held him to my chest as Jay opened my door and helped me out.

Jensen and Jared flanked me as we approached the building, ignoring the shouting from the crowd. When we entered the lobby of the clinic, I swallowed heavily. Tom was leaning against the wall next to the receptionist’s desk. He’d shaved his beard off and gelled his hair a bit, and he was wearing black slacks and a blue button-up shirt. He smiled when he saw me walk in, but rage flashed across his face when his eyes fell on the guys. He disguised it quickly and stepped closer.

“Y/n! My Dear, it’s lovely to see you.”

“Tom, what are you doing here?” I snapped, holding Mav a little tighter.

“My lawyer said it would be fine for me to come witness the test. In fact, when I explained our history, he encouraged it.”

“Your _history_?” Jared growled. “What, you abusing her and treating her like a slave and-”

“Consensual,” Tom said, cooly. “She consented to Total Power Exchange. We had several conversations about-”

“We had _one_ conversation! One conversation about hard limits and safe words and I was so overwhelmed by it all that I didn’t even ask any fucking questions!” Angry tears popped up in my eyes as I spoke. “And you told me that my limits were your concern. That _you_ got to decide what _my_ limits were.”

I took a deep breath as Jay put his hand on my shoulder and Jared stepped in front of me. “We’re gonna go in there and they’re gonna take Maverick’s blood. You are not gonna fuckin’ talk to Y/n again. You open your mouth to her again, I’m gonna break your teeth in.”

Tom took a step back and smiled at Jared, gesturing dramatically at the receptionist. I walked forward, skirting around Tom to the desk. We signed in and a nurse came to retrieve us very quickly. Tom followed us to the exam room and watched from the doorway as I sat on the table with Mav on my lap, holding him as still as possible as the tech pulled a vial of blood from his arm.

Maverick screamed and cried, but Jensen took him from me and bounced him until he relaxed in his daddy’s arms, curling his tiny fingers in the fabric of Jay’s shirt. I jumped off the table and moved for the door, Jared wrapping me in a protective embrace as we pushed past Tom.

“I’ll see you in court, Dear,” Tom called after me.

“We’re getting a restraining order on him,” Jay muttered as I grabbed the door handle and headed out into the parking lot.

I nodded. I doubted that would help much, but…it couldn’t hurt to try.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Warnings:** angst, doubt, Tom being an asshole, sexual assault, **non-con touching** , 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent the next week in various stages of distress. Jensen got me a new phone with a new number and that helped a little with the stress level, but it didn’t stop me analyzing every feature of Maverick’s face, wondering if those blue eyes were going to stay blue or if they’d take on Jay’s brilliant green. The curve of his lips looked more like mine but maybe that would change as he grew into his face.

I stared at him and every time I came to the conclusion that Maverick was indeed an Ackles, something would force me to doubt.

Tom. Tom forced me to doubt. Tom forced me to look upon my son and be filled with something other than pure adoration. Tom made me consider putting Mav on formula so that I could drink my doubt away. Tom took a vulnerable woman and…well, he broke her again.

Jensen stood by me, helping me through, stalwart protector of my sanity and self-worth. He’s such a good man and I’m…trouble. I’ve been trouble for him since the beginning. Why would he stick by me? What did I ever do to deserve him?

Or Nate or Tom, for that matter. What did I do to deserve any of this? I must’ve been a terrible person in a former life.

“Hey, you almost ready? The convoy’s lining up outside and Dee’s got Mav in his car seat ready to go.” Jay stepped into the room as I finished my makeup and smiled. “Wow.”

“What?” I asked, my cheeks heating up. He always gets me when he looks at me like that.

“You’re just beautiful and I’m so ready to get this over with, put a protective order on that bastard and make sure he never gets to touch Mav.”

“It’s not even about Mav. It’s all to do with-” I stopped as Jay wrapped his hands around my biceps, looking me right in the eyes.

“He’s not gettin’ his hands on you again, either.” He smiled at me and I tried to smile back. “Come on. Let’s go get this done.”

Our friends were all waiting in their cars outside the house and they honked as I got in the truck with Jay and the baby. They followed us to the courthouse, a long procession of actors and crew and musicians in rental cars and big SUVs. I was surprised how many people showed up to lend support. I almost cried as they helped me through the crowd outside the courthouse. Media had found their way into the building and, while they weren’t allowed in the courtroom, they were not shy with their cameras.

I didn’t want to sit in the corridor while we waited for them to call our case. Too many people, too many cameras, too many things grating on my frazzled nerves. “Hey, sweetie, there’s a conference room over there if you wanna have a breather. We can come get you when we all get settled in the courtroom,” Danneel suggested, pointing to a dark wooden door.

“Yeah. That’s a–that’s a good idea. Yeah.” I nodded and she patted my shoulder as I took a deep breath. I could hear the camera shutters going at the contact, so I just smiled and walked into the conference room.

It was pretty small with a long table down the middle of it taking up most of the room. A dark globe in the corner of the ceiling told me there was a camera keeping watch. There were no windows, no chance of paparazzi getting a shot of me. It seemed safe to let my guard down a little.

I leaned against the table, arms crossed and head hanging, phone in my hand. My head was full of ‘what-ifs’. As certain as I wanted to be of my son’s paternity, I also knew the lengths Tom might go to in order to manipulate a situation. He’d already managed to make me the bad guy in the media.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of the door opening. I expected to see Jay, maybe Danneel, but Tom’s long frame slipped in. I immediately stood, back ramrod straight. I set my phone on the table and took a deep breath. “Tom, what are you-”

“I wanted to see you!” he said, smiling that megawatt smile. “It’s unbelievably hard to get you alone. You’re always at your boyfriend’s side.”

I scoffed. “Well, considering my psycho ex has been using the media to stalk and harass me, we both decided it was best for him to stick close to me.” I swallowed nervously as his long fingers flicked the lock on the door. “What are you-”

He moved insanely fast; slamming a hand over my mouth, gathering my wrists in his other hand and pushing me against the wall in what seemed like a single, fluid motion. “Don’t scream,” he demanded as he pressed me into the wall with his chest. Fear washed over me, some of it shamefully settling between my legs. “What have I said about name-calling, y/n? It’s beneath you. And I don’t appreciate being called a psycho.”

I started to mumble an apology into his palm, eyes wide and mind full of fear. “If you scream, you’ll regret it,” he whispered and I nodded my understanding, so he pulled his hand away.

“Tom, I’m sorry. Y-you’re not a psycho. I-I didn’t mean-”

“Do you remember the first time I had you call me ‘Sir’? Do you remember how good the sex was that night?”

I swallowed, eyes flashing to the door as he pulled my wrists up and pinned them to the wall above my head. “Please don’t do this, Tom. We could all walk away, forget we were ever-”

“‘ _Sir_ ’,” he insisted. “And I think you’ve forgotten that you are a natural submissive. You long for someone to dominate you, to make you their own, to give you what you _need_ whether you think you want it or not.”

His free hand went under the skirt of my dress, fitting his palm over my pussy and rubbing me through my panties. “Don’t! Sir, please stop. I don’t want this, please,” I begged, but that’s what he wanted. He wanted me whining and crying at him, proof of his dominance over me…I was too scared to stop myself, though.

He tucked his fingers underneath my underwear and ran his fingertips along my slit. “Oh, what would Jensen say, Dear? You’re all wet for me.”

“N-no, it’s not– _I’m_ not–it’s just aah!” I gasped loudly when he slipped a finger inside me. “No, no, no, no, get off of me!” I started to fight against his hold on me, then, the realization that he was really planning to rape me in some bid to get me back under his control hitting me like a semi truck.

He just held me fast to the wall as I thrashed against him, that finger driving in and out of me at an almost lazy pace.

“No, no, stop, fuck, Tom, fucking stop. Pudding! Just-”

He chuckled, a dark sound in the current setting, and leaned down to catch my eyes. “Safe words are for good girls, Dear, and you have been very, very bad. In fact-” He pulled his hand out from under my dress and used it deftly untie his silk tie. “I think you’ve earned a bit of punishment.”

He moved like lightning again. Before I knew what was happening, I was bent over the conference table, gagged with his tie so far in my mouth that I couldn’t breathe around it or push it out with my tongue, my arms pressed into my back and my skirt flipped up to reveal my ass. He pulled my panties down my thighs and immediately started taking whacks at my ass cheeks. He didn’t tell me to count and neither did he, not out loud anyway, and he went a lot harder than he ever had when we were together.

It hurt. There was a slight edge of pleasure through it, I’m not going to lie. I mean, I like being spanked, but this was different. This wasn’t Jay taking his belt to me in his trailer and smirking when I opted to stand to watch the dailies later on. This was my psychotic ex-boyfriend forcing himself on me, doing something he knows I like in an attempt to make me cum, make me his again. The reality of the situation was taking me out of the pleasure I may have gotten.

His fingers were trailing down my angry skin when the door burst open. And I mean _burst_. I’d seen Jay kick down a hundred prop doors as Dean and I’d heard the story of the hotel room that the concierge couldn’t get open, but the force with which that door was kicked in was magical. My literal hero busting down a door to save me.

Two Travis County Deputies rushed into the room with their guns raised and Tom let go of my arms, stepping back as Jay rushed to my side. “I assure you this is not what it appears to be,” Tom said, raising his hands in a nonthreatening manner.

Rage flashed across Jay’s face and he reached out to grab Tom’s collar and slammed his fist into Tom’s sculpted cheekbone. Tom just chuckled, straightening as one of the deputies grabbed Jensen and pulled him back. “It was completely consensual. She wanted me to touch her. She’s my submissive. She liked it, she was aroused!“

"Ma'am?” the deputy closer to Tom asked. “Do you wanna press charges?”

Tom gave a smug look to the cops and to me and I could see it in his eyes…he thought I was going to defend him. He thought I was going to keep him safe.

“Of _course_ I want to press charges! He assaulted me. He had his fingers _inside_ me!” I exclaimed, pulling my panties up. His eyes went wide as the cops advanced on him. “Guess we’ll see how much he likes bein’ bound,” I whispered as they twisted his arms behind his back and clicked cuffs on his wrists.

“Y/n, you can’t do this! You love me, y/n. You can’t do this!”

Jensen moved like he was going to punch him again, but I grabbed his shoulder. “They’ve got this,” I whispered.

“She never loved you, you psychotic piece of shit! You were just a distraction to keep her mind off'a _me_ ,” Jensen growled as the deputies pulled Tom out of the room.

Two more deputies entered and walked up as Jensen pulled me into a hug. “We’re going to need you to make a statement about what happened here, ma'am.”

I looked at Jay’s watch. We were due in court in five minutes. “We’ve gotta go before the judge, can we-” I started, but Jay shook his head.

“We can wait. We can reschedule. I’m sure the judge will underst-”

“No!” I exclaimed, pulling away and looking up at him. “No, we are going to get this shit done with! The judge is going to dismiss the custody suit and give us a TRO so that psycho can’t come near me or you or Maverick when he posts bail. It’s gonna be over!”

“Not really, since you’re gonna have to testify at his trial for this shit!” Jensen said, grabbing my hand.

“That’s gonna be months away! I need this part to be over!” I shouted.

“Ma'am? Can you give your statement?” the deputy asked, softly.

“After we see the judge, please. I’ll still be in the courthouse. I’ll give my statement after. Please,” I begged. The deputy nodded and Jay and I started to move for the busted door. I stopped to examine the cracked doorjamb. “How did you know I was in trouble?”

“You butt-dialed me. I’ve got a voicemail of the whole beginning of it. I’m gonna give it to the cops for evidence.” His jaw twitched with barely-contained rage. “When I heard him say ‘Safe words are for good girls’, I almost broke my fucking phone.”

I took a deep breath and sighed, thanking God for my fumbling fingers as we headed for the courtroom. Jared met us in the aisle. “What the fuck just happened?”

“We’ll tell you about it after, okay?” I said, pushing past him and sitting at the table on the left. I shifted uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair, but I didn’t say a word about it.

Jensen picked Maverick up out of his carrier and sat right behind me. When the judge came in, he gestured to the empty table where Tom was meant to sit and quietly asked something of his bailiff, likely inquiring as to why the table was empty. The bailiff whispered his answer and the judge’s eyes went wide. He called the court to order, read off the complaint and sighed, loudly.

“Since the party who brought this case is not present and will not be present going forward, I have no choice but to dismiss this case against Miss y/l/n.”

The courtroom erupted in cheers, but I didn’t feel like celebrating yet. I leaned over to my lawyer. “I need to know what the test said. I need to know the paternity results.”

The lawyer nodded and stood. “Your Honor, in the interest of closing the book on this chapter of Miss y/l/n’s life, we request the court announce the results of the proof of paternity.”

The judge gave a twitchy smile and nodded. “Were Mr. Hiddleston sitting in my courtroom, the case would still have been dismissed as he has no claim to Maverick Maxwell Ackles. He is of no relation to the boy.”

I let out a sob of happiness, a weight lifting off of my chest as the room erupted again, even louder. Tears streaked down my face. I’m sure I looked a mess, but I didn’t care. I was so validated by those words.

“Now, there’s the matter of the Temporary Protective Order you requested. Normally, I wouldn’t grant one in a situation like this, the baseline for harassment is very high, but after learning why Mr. Hiddleston is not with us today, I feel he’s more than passed the criteria. I will issue a protective order for you and your son.”

“Oh, thank God!” I whispered, turning to smile at Jay and Mav.

“If there’s nothing else, case dismissed. Let’s go to lunch.”

I stood and rushed to kiss my son and hug my boyfriend. The crowd of friends that surrounded me should have been overwhelming but they weren’t. They filled me with a sense of wellbeing.

So, even as I had to recount what happened in that conference room for the deputies who had been standing by, waiting patiently, I didn’t break down. I had so much support holding me together.

“Party at Ackles’ house!” Jared called out as soon as Jay and I were done with the deputies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kids were all handed off to the nannies, who took them away from the alcohol and loudness for the night. Jensen broke out a bottle of the good stuff, a Glenmorangie 18 year which I could not touch, and poured glasses for everyone interested.

As Jared, Misha and Jensen got drunker they started to plot ways to kill Tom. “Sure, he’s in jail now but when he makes bail-” Jensen started and Jared immediately picked up the thought.

“I say we just stomp his skinny ass into a tiny blood spot. Make it look like a fucking mugging or somethin’.”

“I’ve been mugged. I think the three of us could totally recreate that experience for him with a little extra violence.” Misha took a drink and glowered at the thought.

I had to walk away from them. As much as I despised Tom, the fact that they were actively planning his murder didn’t sit right with me. I just wanted to forget about it for a little while. I sat on the couch, wine glass filled with cran-apple juice in my clutches and tried to relax. Dee came to sit next to me, wine glass full of red wine. “Don’t worry. It’s all talk.” Her words slurred a little, it obviously was not her first glass. “They’re not going to kill him. Jensen got this way when he found out about my One Tree Hill thing, the Me Too movement thing, but he eventually let it go.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t tortured by whatshisname, were you? You weren’t stalked and beaten down.”

“No, sweetie, I wasn’t. You’re right. But those guys…” She scooted closer to me and pointed at the men, across the living room still plotting. “They could never kill a man. Those are…they’re the nicest men in the whole world! Misha is…with Random Acts and GISH and Jay with the hotline and Jared with the LGBT charities…they could hurt him, but none of them could pull a trigger.”

She put her hand on my chin and turned my head to look at her. “You are…amazing, you know? Other women would be clambering for their men to deal with this for them and you…you don’t want them to do-”

“I don’t want them to do something they’d never be able to live with,” I whispered.

“Still thinking about everyone else. You need to think about you,” she whispered back. “Like other people think about you.”

I was filled with a confused apprehension as she leaned closer to me. But when her lips pressed hard against mine? “Confused” isn’t even close to the right word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Warnings:** angst, anger, people on the internet being horrible, mentions of non-con, issues…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes were wide and shock-filled when Danneel pulled away from me, distracted by Genevieve yelling across the living room. I scrambled away from her, running for Jay, needing grounding influence. I grabbed his hand and tugged, forcing his attention to turn to me. “Hey. Why are you wearing Danneel’s lipstick?”

I wiped at my lips with my free hand. “Because she just kissed me!”

“Oh. Okay.” He licked his lips and turned back to his conversation.

“‘ _Okay_ ’?” I exclaimed, forcing him and Misha to turn to me. “Your ex-wife just kissed your girlfriend and all you have to say about it is ‘Oh, okay’?”

Jay shrugged. “Well, I guess it’s not a big deal to me ‘cause Dee’s sexuality’s always been kinda fluid, especially with women she admires.” He chuckled. “You should see her talk about the first time she met Marg Helgenberger on the set of CSI.”

“But I’m your girlfriend! That doesn’t seem weird to you?”

Jay took a drink of his whiskey and shook his head. “Nah. Not really,” he said.

I was mortified. That’s the only word I can think of for it. I couldn’t understand how he could have such a nonchalant attitude about it. I figured it was probably the whiskey, but still. The day was too much. With the courthouse and the kiss, it was just too much. I slipped away from the party and lay down in bed, pulling out my phone.

News of Tom’s arrest had spread quickly and hours later the internet was a battlefield. “Falsely accused” kept popping up in the comments. They really thought I was lying, that I was just saying it to get Tom in trouble. These people must think I’m a monster.

Jensen showed up after an hour and a half of horrified scrolling. “Hey. You disappeared. I had to send everybody home without you backin’ me up,” he whispered, crawling into bed with me. He smelled heavily of whiskey and it made me cringe.

“I’m sure you did just fine,” I responded. He moved to kiss me, but I pulled away from him. “I’ve been kissed enough today.”

“What…what are you…” His eyebrows scrunched together. “Is that what you’re pissed off about? You’re pissed that Dee kissed you?”

“I’m pissed about a lot of things, Jensen! Your ex-wife kissed me! Completely uninvited on the day that I was almost raped! People on the internet are claiming that I faked that assault just to get Tom in trouble! You and our friends were plotting the man’s murder! I can’t…” I sighed, heavily. “The only silver lining of this day has been the paternity results. I…am overwhelmed with life right now and I can’t. I just fucking can’t, Jay.”

A bit of sobriety snuck into his expression as he sat up. “Right. No, I get it. I’m…I’m gonna get some water. You want some water?” I shook my head and he slid off the side of the bed, stumbling a bit as he padded out of the room.

I plugged my phone in and curled up, hoping to put the whole day behind me and move on. Jay didn’t come back to bed. The right side of our bed was still empty when I woke up at 2am, my breasts hurting and ready for Mav’s feeding. I grabbed my phone and shuffled down the hall toward the nursery. I picked Maverick up, got him in a dry diaper, then sat in the rocking chair and encouraged him to latch on. As soon as he was eating, I pulled up my phone.

There was a video on Jensen’s Instagram account, posted at a little past 12:30am. It already had more than 25,000 likes and almost 10,000 comments. My heart was racing as I clicked on it. Jensen was sitting at our dining table, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a drunk look in his eyes.

“ _So…today…has been a roller coaster, y'all._ ” He licked his lips and took a drink. “ _I started today…just, uh, tryin’ to hold shit together for Y/n. She puts on a brave front but…she was crumbling. Bastard put her through so much…she would stare at Mav, like she wasn’t sure. And, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure either. I mean, it didn’t change…how much I love that kid. Didn’t change how I love Y/n, but…I kept tryin’ to find Tom in Maverick’s face._ ”

Tears popped up in his eyes as he spoke. “ _I’ll tell ya…there were six weeks, six horrible weeks, between her leaving Tom and getting with me. There should’ve been no doubt who the father was, but…but there **was**. I wish there wasn’t, I wish I could say that I never considered what it might be like to have to share custody across the Atlantic with that psycho, but I did._” His jaw ticked in that way it did when he’s holding things back. “ _And before you guys get all uppity about me callin’ him a ‘psycho’, you gotta realize this guy took a perfect woman and he broke her down. He took total control of her life and she couldn’t…I’ve spent all this time tryin'a bring– build her back up and…he used the paparazzi to stalk her, he made her out to be a promiscuous woman and he just…he is crazy._ ”

Jay took another drink. “ _And he’s **not** Mav’s father. Hearing that judge…hearing him say that he was gonna dismiss the case, anyway…I haven’t been that happy since Mav was born. We came home and we were celebrating…family, friends, but then…Y/n made the mistake of looking at what you, the Internet, had to say and…you people are terrible. I saw…I saw one, someone claiming to be a fan'a mine…said that, uh, I’m stuck in a relationship that’s gonna ruin my career._” He nodded, rage just barely simmering under the surface. “ _Said they wanted Maverick to be Tom’s, called Y/n a whore and slut, said they hope I see her true colors soon and…that I get set free._ ”

Jay shook his head, biting his lip, roughly. “ _I love Y/n. I love my son. Her true colors are a lot brighter than yours if you’re gonna go online and spew hate. Hate for a–for a woman who has done **nothing** against you…or **anyone**. She’s brilliant and amazing and too good for me and I’m lucky to have her, just like I was lucky to have Danneel for as long as I had her and just because you’re upset that I’m in love doesn’t mean you know a damn thing about her and doesn’t mean she’s not a beautiful and amazing human being._” He sighed angrily and his whole body almost shook. “ _And the rest of you jerks, **Tom’s** supporters, sayin’ she falsely accused him, that she was makin’ it up to hurt him…well, I’m the one who busted that door down and caught him red-handed. And don’t start with the 'she was cheating and played it off as assault so she wouldn’t get in trouble’ bullshit because she told him no. She told him to stop. She said 'walk away’ and he gagged her and he put his hands on her and in her and I heard it._”

My heart was thundering as he pulled out his phone and waved it at the camera. “No,” I whispered. “You didn’t, Jay,” I begged as I watched him dial into his voicemail.

“ _See, she accidentally called me when Tom ambushed her and I heard every word. Had to let the cops have a copy for evidence, but I’ve still got it._ ”

“No, no, no,” I whispered, horror settling in my chest as I watched him play the voicemail for everyone to hear.

I was so enraged that I was almost numb as I finished feeding Mav and set him in his crib. Jay was passed out on the couch in the living room. I stared at him for a few minutes, anger flowing as I looked down at his gorgeous sleeping face. Eventually, I grabbed a pillow and threw it at his head and he jerked awake. Sleepy, drunk emerald eyes focused on my face and a small smile graced his lips. “Hey, Baby girl.”

“Where do you get off letting the whole world hear me being assaulted?”

His eyes went wide, confused, like he’d forgotten what he’d done for a moment. “Wait, I-” He sat up, rubbing his hand down his face. “They were callin’ you a liar, Y/n. I was tryin’ to help…show 'em the evidence.”

“It wasn’t for them to _hear_! They aren’t gonna change their minds because they heard me begging him to stop, Jay! They’re just gonna hear me being weak and scared and they’ll use it against me!”

“I’ll delete it, okay? I was just trying-”

“The internet is forever! Delete it now all you want but it’s already out there! My attempted rape broadcasted across the lines for anyone to hear. It’s not…I can’t believe you did this to me.” I wiped away my tears, turning away as he stood to his full height, towering above me. “I…I can’t-”

“I was tryin’ to help, Y/n.”

“Well, next time, wait until you’re sober so you can actually think shit through,” I snapped.

“Babe, I’m sorry, okay?”

I shook my head. “I…I need to take a few days.”

“Excuse me?” His eyes went wide, a surprised anger taking over.

“I need to go see Nova…my parents, my friends back home. Maybe take Taylor up on the invite to crash at her penthouse in New York. I can’t be here with the paparazzi and the bullshit. I’m gonna pack a bag for me and Mav-”

“No,” he said, resolutely.

“What do you mean, 'no’?” I snapped.

“You’re not taking Maverick.” He shook his head, fire in his eyes as he spoke.

“Are you kidding me?”

“You are not taking my son, Y/n. Not to Florida, not to New York, not across town to _Jared’s_ house! Maverick stays,” he practically growled.

I scoffed angrily. “Well, considering I’m his fucking food source, I don’t see how that’s going to work out too-”

“He’ll be just fine on formula. The twins were. Nova was. I’ll have Janessa run to the store when she wakes up, pick up some Similac Sensitive. That’s what Nova had to drink, right?”

“I can’t believe you’re really gonna-”

“If you’re walkin’ out on me, you aren’t taking him with. He’s my son and I’m not-”

“I’m not walking out on you! I’m getting away for a little while!” I shouted. “I’m exhausted, Jensen! I’m so emotionally drained that I can barely think and you just…you just purposefully exposed me to the world. You know how much I value my privacy, how much I try to guard myself from the world judging me, and you just took…” His jaw ticked as he looked at me, but I kept talking. “I know you were trying to help, that your heart was in the right place, but…I need a break. I just need a break. I love you and I’m not leaving you…I’m leaving the house. I’m leaving Texas. Just for a little while. That’s all.”

“I understand, Y/n. I know you’re tired,” he whispered, a sad look on his face as he shook his head. “But you’re not taking Mav. End of discussion.”

Anger and sadness filled me, but I couldn’t let him manipulate me into staying. Not that he was consciously doing that. That’s not Jay’s style, but…I couldn’t let him do it either way. “Fine. Take good care of him. I won’t have my wifi or data on for my phone so call or text when you need me.”

“I need you now,” he said as I went into the bedroom to pack a backpack. Less conspicuous than a suitcase.

“I’m sorry.”

“If you were sorry, you’d stay.”

I scoffed as I threw clothes in the bag. “Keep that shit up and I’ll start callin’ you 'Nate’.” I turned to look at him leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest. “I just need a few days. A few days to stop being angry with you about the voicemail and a few days to d-deal with what Tom did and I want to kiss my daughter and cry in a place where there aren’t cameras on the front lawn waiting to-to document every fucking thing and I just need a break to breakdown. Okay? I’m not leaving you. I love you. I’m just…”

“Leaving. Fully intent on coming back, right?” I nodded and he sighed. “I don’t want you to leave. But I understand. Take whatever time you need, Baby Girl. Mav and I will be waitin’ on you.”

I finished packing, Jay watching every movement, and turned back to him. I looked at the door down the hall, a brightly-colored plaque hanging there that said, “Maverick Maxwell Ackles”. My heart hurt that I was leaving him, just like it hurt I was leaving Jay…but I knew I’d be back. I just couldn’t be in that house anymore for a few days…and hell, it was almost practice for when I finally returned to Vancouver to work.

“There’s still breastmilk in the freezer…and some in the fridge…try to-to taper off into the formula. If you do it all at once, it might hurt his tummy.”

“Okay, Baby Girl. Janessa and I got it.” He stepped close to me and set his hands on each side of my face. “Don’t worry about anything, Y/n. You go, have your breakdown in solitude, and then you come home. Okay? You come home.”

I nodded, going to my tiptoes to kiss his cheek before pulling away and rushing out the door. “Get off my fucking lawn!” I yelled at the media as I climbed into my car and drove off. Tears were streaming down my face before I hit the city limits.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Warnings:** angst, anger, mentions of non-con, issues, alcohol abuse, depression, sads, Y/n being a bitch to her friends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was nervous as I knocked on the door. Depressed and broken…and as close to home as I could be. Nate opened the door and his face was immediately overcome with a look of worry. “Hey.”

“I need to see Nova. I know it’s late and she’s probably asleep but…I need to see her,” I whispered.

He nodded and opened the door, gesturing me inside. “I…I heard about what happened with Tom Hiddleston. I really wouldn’t have thought he-”

“Yeah, that’s how guys like him work,” I interrupted, quietly. “Which room is Nova’s?”

Nate pointed at a door across the living room and I rushed over. I pushed open the door and moved to kneel beside her bed. I took a deep breath and just stared at her for a few minutes. I didn’t want to wake her, she looked so peaceful. She looked so happy and…if I woke her, she’d be worried for me. I kissed her forehead, whispered ‘I love you’, and left her room.

“You want a beer, Y/n?” Nate asked as I started to leave. “You look like you need one.”

My first reaction was to protest because of my milk supply, but then I remembered… “Yeah, I’ll have one.”

“I don’t have anything fancy like you’re probably used to now, but…you okay with a Yuengling?”

I nodded. I hate Yuengling, but I wasn’t going to turn down alcohol at this point. “Where’s Jenny?”

“She’s on the night shift for a few weeks. Makes it easier to take care of the kids.” Nate handed me a beer and I took a drink. “You wanna talk about it?”

I licked the beer off of my lips and shrugged as he took a seat on his couch. I followed suit and bit my thumbnail, looking at the label. “I really thought the worst of my life was gonna be when you left me and Nova. How could I be so fucking wrong?”

“You didn’t really think I was the-”

“For a while, yeah. I thought…the way you treated me…I really thought…but Tom was so much worse. You controlled me a bit, but Tom wanted to _own_ me. And when I…When I denied him, he decided to make me be his, any means necessary.” I shrugged. “It’s not…I don’t know, Nate.”

“Maybe you should take a few days, get yourself okay.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” I whispered.

“I assumed it was because Jensen pissed you off with that Instagram post.” I looked up at him, confused. “I follow you guys. It’s not weird. I like knowing what’s going on in your life. Good and bad.”

I took another drink of the nasty beer and bit my lip. “That’s part of it. No one had a right to hear that. If it were up to me, Jay wouldn’t have even heard it…except that voicemail is the thing that saved me from Tom. But still…Jay had his heart in the right place, but…”

“Did you break up with him?”

I shook my head. “No. I just had to leave. All the paparazzi and shit…and I’m still so angry with him…but I love Jensen.”

“You gonna be staying with your parents?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Nah. I can’t. If the paps show up, I can’t bring that hell down on them. I’ll just stay in a motel. There’s that nasty fuckin’ Economy Motel on 98, I’ll probably end up there.”

“You wanna stay here?”

I shook my head. “No. I couldn’t possibly.” I fought back the urge to cringe. “This is your place, Nate. I can’t. Besides…I wouldn’t want the media here, either. For Nova’s sake, it would be better if I-“

"Quit acting and came home?” His words made me freeze. I hadn’t considered it. “I mean, all this drama didn’t start until you started acting.”

“That’s-”

“You’ve never really belonged in that world, Y/n. Seriously.” He slid closer to me on the couch. “Those have never been your people. They’re movie stars and Broadway stars and all of ‘em have been a model for something. They’ve all lived in L.A., ya know. You’re from Nowhere, Florida.” He gestured widely with his beer. “Maybe all this bad and all the drama is a sign…that you should come home. Leave all that silliness to the people more cut out for it.”

On a normal day, I would have immediately blown him off. I would have reminded myself that playing on my insecurities and fostering doubt in me are Nate’s signature moves. But with the way my mind already was…I sniffled out a “Maybe,” and downed the rest of the beer.

“And if you moved back, you’d get to see Nova for more than summers and holiday breaks.”

“I could see her whenever I wanted if the judge hadn’t wanted to punish me for having a life,” I bit out.

“No, he just didn’t want you uprooting Nova just to play house with your boyfriend in Texas. Why get her moved and enrolled in school, just to come back here when things fall apart?”

I bristled at the idea that what I have with Jay was somehow a game or fake, that it was destined to fail. I stood and set the empty beer bottle on the coffee table. “Thanks for the beer, dude.”

“Look, I didn’t mean to offend you, Y/n. It’s just-”

“It’s just not good enough that my life is crumbling, is it? You won’t be happy until it’s as bad as yours…or _worse_. I have a good thing with Jensen. It’s not 'playing house’ and it’s not falling-”

“Then, where’s your son?” My heart fell at the reminder of Maverick, 800 miles West, with his father and nanny in that big house without me. “If it weren’t falling apart, wouldn’t you have taken the kid with you when you left? If you and Jensen both knew you were going back…”

“Fuck you, Nate,” I whispered, stomping out of his home.

The Economy Motel reminded me of the Budget Inn Jay saved me from in Vancouver. I paid out a week and took my place in the bathtub. Except, I had a bottle of whiskey to drown in this time.

Nate was right. I was never this person, with the scandal and paparazzi, with the fan club and the photo shoots. I was never supposed to be in any of the situations I found myself in. I was supposed to stay in Florida, stay at the warehouse, drink myself to death. I wasn’t supposed to break up a marriage or get Tom Hiddleston to fall in love with me to the point that he lost his mind when I left him. I wasn’t supposed to have Maverick…or leave him behind. Maybe that’s why I didn’t fight Jay harder on taking our son. Maybe Nate was right. Maybe I’m not going back. Maybe Jay doesn’t really want…

Jay was better off without me. Jay and Janessa could take care of Mav. Better than I could. Mav was better with Jensen, Nova was better with Nate, and I was better off alone and drunk in a roach-infested motel. I couldn’t hurt anyone but myself in that bathtub.

But I could hurt myself a lot there.

I think it was the second day of my bender when my phone started to ring. Jensen, then Jared, then Kim and Bri and Richard and Rob and Jensen and Jensen and Jensen. I didn’t answer for days. I didn’t want to hear the worry and I didn’t want to hear the lie: ‘We need you’. None of them need me. They probably don’t even really like me. I’m not like them.

When Adam Malin called, I answered. “Just wanted to make sure you still plan to appear for Nashville.”

“Yeah, wh-when is that?” I croaked.

“Two days.”

I took a deep breath. “Right. Uh, I’ll be there.”

I drank some water and a bit of the dog that bit me and started to prep to leave. I managed to say ‘goodbye’ to Nova without breaking down and then I started the drive to Tennessee. I stayed sober just long enough to check into a Motel 6 on Thursday afternoon (because I wasn’t going to stay in the hotel with Jay like we’d originally planned), and then I got trashed.

People were gonna ask me things. Questions about Tom and Jensen and Maverick. Jensen, who kept calling. The voicemails were killer. Maverick screaming in the background of Jay saying how much he missed me. Eventually, I had to stop listening. I let my inbox fill up.

I was still drunk when I got to the con, but I hid it well. “Where’ve you been?” Rich demanded as the Creation bodyguard walked me into the green room. “You haven’t answered your phone in a week!”

“I’ve been busy.”

“What, swimming in a whiskey barrel?” he accused.

“Shows how much you know,” I said as I popped a piece of fruity gum in my mouth. “This was rum.”

“Come on, Y/n. Don’t do this. You’re my friend. I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself like this,” Rich said, quietly.

“Then don’t watch.”

“What?”

I sighed and shook my head. “I’m spiraling, Speight. The last thing I need right now is a bunch of D-list Hollywood fakers pretending like they give a fuck about me.”

Richard’s eyes widened a bit and I know that normally he’d make it into a joke, but he didn’t. He just walked away, which was exactly what I wanted at the time. I wanted to be drunk and alone, but…I couldn’t be. I had promised I would be at the con.

I started to down water, stave off the hangover as much as possible. My phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket. Jensen. Decline.

It wasn’t very long until I heard Matt Cohen across the green room. “Yeah, she’s here, but she’s not looking good, man. She said some mean shit to Rich and–yeah.” Matt sighed and scratched his neck. “Of course we will.”

I rolled my eyes. It’s like they couldn’t take a hint. I checked my phone and stood, ready for the handlers to take me to my panel. “Tell Jensen I am _fine_ ,” I spit as I passed Matt.

“Y/n, I-”

“You’re reporting on me to Jensen. I’m not stupid.” I didn’t give him an opportunity to explain himself, just following the handlers to the stage. To Richard’s credit, he didn’t let on that I had called him a D-list faker when he announced me. As much of a clown as he plays, he’s definitely a professional. Rob gave me a hug that was a bit longer than I really wanted, but I smiled through it.

I sat on my stool and waited for the audience to quiet down. I could see people lining up on either side of the stage. I did not want to answer their questions. Not even a little bit. “Hey, guys. Friday people. Beautiful human beings, thank you for being here. I, uh, know you guys want to ask me some questions and I will get to them in just a few minutes, but I have to…address the…the elephant in the room. Tom.”

“ _Fuck him!_ ” someone in the middle of the room shouted and I nodded.

“Yeah. Thank you. Um…there’s been…I don’t know what’s been said over the last week or so because I have avoided the internet and television since the night of the dismissal. But I can tell you that…that there was nothing consensual about what happened in that room. I can tell you that, in the lead-up to that day, he tortured me psychologically, stalked me, sent threatening texts and when he finally got me alone again, he hurt me.” I swallowed and took a deep breath, wishing I had a drink with me on stage. "It brings up all these questions, ya know…how much do I share with you folks? I’ve always been so careful not to talk shit. So careful not to say anything without evidence but…Tom is a monster. He may not have…raped me, but he put his fingers where they don’t…where he shouldn’t have. He hit me. He hurt me. And Jay-Jensen was right…when I looked at what people were saying…when I saw people say it was fake, that I was just trying to get Tom in trouble…I didn’t take it well. It’s why I’ve been cut off from everything for the last week. It was painful.”

I cleared my throat, sucking on my gum. “I’m, uh, sure a lot of you saw Jensen’s video. That’s actually the last thing I saw online. After that…kinda decided I was done. After the world has heard you beg your ex-boyfriend not to rape you…you kinda don’t wanna be part of the world for a while.” I fiddled with the mic. “But I’m here. Might not be the funnest guest this weekend, but I’m here. And I will take questions…starting stage left. Hey.”

The woman on my right smiled. “Hi. I, uh, was gonna ask you how you felt about Marvel suspending Tom’s contract pending investigation into his treatment of you, but if you haven’t been online…this might be the first time you’re hearing about it.”

“This _is_ the first I’m hearing of it…and I’d like to say there’s some feeling of vindication here, but there’s not. This is a company that fired me because I got pregnant but did nothing to Tom, even after my interview with Steph Mars. They didn’t even start an investigation into Tom until he got arrested, when they _couldn’t_ ignore it anymore. That says more about the current state of the company than anything else.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Disney covers their asses when it comes down to it, but they haven’t suspended Tom for any reason beyond the fact that it looks bad if they don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if they wait for it to quiet down and then end their investigation as ‘inconclusive’. It’s just how these things…he’s a money-maker. They won’t let him go until they have to. Thank you for your question.”

“First, I just wanted to commend you for being here, a week after being assaulted. You’re so brave to get up here and answer questions and-”

“Ca-can I stop you?” I interrupted, turning to the fan on my left. “I’m not brave. I’m just doing what women an-and men do _after_. I’m doing what I did in high school when I got assaulted at a friend’s party. You internalize, you move forward, you hide the broken bits under smiles and makeup and you fake it until you make it, until everything doesn’t hurt all the time. There are hundreds of thousands of us doing it and it’s not because we’re brave. It’s because we’re too scared to show the world just how broken we really are.”

I was crying as I spoke but I ignored it. “Because we lose if we break and we can literally lose everything.”

A lot of people asked for hugs after that. Can’t really blame them. First instinct is to comfort a crying person. There were a few fans that asked questions about the show, my favorite moment, any pranks I participated in or had done to me, my friendship with Danneel.

“I met Danneel when I was Jensen’s roommate and she was…she’s always been…she’s a wonderful woman. When she found out about Tom…” I shook my head. “She’s been a constant source of support through everything and she’s…better than I could hope to be.”

As soon as I was off the stage, my phone rang. I declined Jensen’s call again. Bri and Ruth grabbed me as soon as I entered the green room. “Y/n, everyone’s worried about you, hon. Please. You haven’t talked to anybody, not even Jensen!”

I pulled away from them and grabbed a bottle of water from the table. “Seriously, guys. I can’t with Jensen right now. I can’t. I can’t with you. I can’t with…” I shook my head. “Just give me some time, okay?”

“I don’ think tha’s a good idea, lass. Ya need yer friends, Y/n. Ya need yer love,” Ruth said.

I scoffed loudly. “I need my _love_? Really? You know what he did?”

“Yes, we do, hon, but he was just-”

“Drunk and stupid. Yeah, and it’s totally fine for _him_ to be drunk and stupid but I’m not allowed to be? Fuck you…and fuck him.” I stomped away to the corner and pulled out my phone, intent to ignore everything and everyone. I did an okay job of it, but they all stared at me between ops and Meet and Greets and their panels.

I didn’t karaoke. I don’t think anybody really expected me to. I went back to the motel and drank. I almost slept through my alarm, but I got to the con in time. Misha stared at me, but he didn’t approach. I went through the motions of the day…photo ops, panel with similar questions from the day before, autos. Then I went back to the motel. I had a few drinks, got dressed and did a bit of makeup, pulled my hair back, went back for SNS.

Jensen arrived with Clif as I was pouring myself a double whiskey neat. I kept my back to him, tried to ignore him as Louden Swain played ‘Present Time’. I wasn’t angry with him anymore, but I tried to keep up the appearances. He didn’t want me. He was better without me, a stupid drunken bitch.

“Hey, Baby Girl,” he said softly, approaching me from the right. “Don’t drink. It’s not helping you.”

“Fuck you,” I whispered. “Don’t use my words against me, you dick.”

He leaned forward, looking into my eyes. “I’ll use whatever words I have to, Y/n. I’ve been calling you all week and you haven’t picked up once. You show up here, you’re snappin’ at our friends, you smell like a distillery…You’re hurting, Baby, and I want to help.”

“You wanna help? How? What could you possibly do to help me right now, Jensen?” I asked, picking up my Solo cup.

“Anything. I will do anything to make you better.”

“Well, right now, I just need to be broke. Thanks.” I headed toward the stage, drinking my whiskey as Rob called Adam Malin out to play piano.

“And everyone give a hand to Y/n Y/l/n!” Rob called and I hopped up the stairs.

I waved to the audience and smiled as Rob brought the mic stand down to my height. “Hey, everybody!”

“You ready, Y/n?” Rob asked and I could hear the undercurrent of worry. I wished they would stop with that shit.

“Yeah. I’m ready, Robby. Le’sgo,” I slurred and Adam started to play the keyboard. “ _Well, you almost had me fooled. Told me that I was nothin’ without you. Oh, but after everything you’ve done. I can thank you for how strong I will become. ‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through Hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell. I’ll just say this as I wish you farewell. I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’. I hope your soul is changin’, changin’. I hope you find your peace, Fallin’ on your knees, prayin’._ ”

Tears were falling down my face as the audience started singing along. A song about strength, moving forward after being hurt…written by someone who was hurt just like me. I wish I was as strong as her. “ _I’m proud of who I am. No more monsters, I can breathe again. And you said that I was done. Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh. And I don’t need you. I’ll find a strength I’ve never known. I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh-oh. When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name. You brought the flames and you put me through Hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell. I’ll just say this as I wish you farewell. I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’. I hope your soul is changin’, changin’. I hope you find your peace, Fallin’ on your knees, prayin’. Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night. Someday, maybe you’ll see the light. Oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give. But some things only God can forgive!_ ”

Never have I hit that high note. If I weren’t drunk, I wouldn’t have even tried it, but I did. I tried that high note and I fucking hit it and there was something so amazing about it that I actually smiled as I continued. “ _Prayin’. I hope your soul is changin’, changin’. I hope you find your peace. Fallin’ on your knees, prayin’._ ” I smiled as brightly as I could manage and waved at the audience as they screamed.

“You killed it, Y/n. I can’t believe you hit that note!” Bri praised and I nodded.

“Yeah, me either,” I said, smiling a little.

The band played a few more songs before Jensen took the stage. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t desperate to hear Jay sing, but I sat in a folding chair close to the curtain. “Nashville! How we doin’?!” The audience exploded. “Oh, hell yeah! You guys are in it tonight, aren’t you? Nashville crowds are always amazing!” More screaming. “And you are lucky tonight because I am breakin’ off a couple good _country_ songs for ya! You ready, Billy? You ready, Speight?!”

“Let’s do this, Ackles!”

Guitar and drums started up. “ _She took down the photograph, Of our wedding day. Ripped it down the middle, And threw my half away. And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me._ ” I scoffed. Jay loves Chris Stapleton. “ _She broke all my fishin’ rods. Put my guns in hock. Threw my clothes out in the yard, And changed out all the locks, And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me. I know right where I went wrong. I know just what got her gone, Turned my life into this country song, And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me._ ”

“Maybe stay off Instagram next time, Jensen,” Richard said, quietly, as a guitar solo started up.

“Thanks, Rich,” Jensen said, sarcastically. “ _She fired up my old hot rod, Ran it in the pond. Put sugar in my John Deere, I can’t even mow my lawn, And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me. She built her a bonfire, With my old six string. Took all my good whiskey, And poured it down the drain, And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me. I know right where I went wrong. I know just what got her gone. Turned my life into this country song, And I got nobody to blame but me. I got nobody to blame but me._ ”

They played a guitar outro as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was Jensen apologizing, of course. In his semi-public and musical way. He’s so amazing…I don’t deserve him. “One more!” he shouted and Stephen started a drum beat, which was followed up by keyboard. I didn’t recognize the song. “ _I dialed seven digits five times today, Just to hear you say you love or hate me. I’ll take anything. I just wanna hear your voice. Cut through the line like a heart-shaped knife. Cut me down, baby, one more time. Good or bad, baby. Yes, no, maybe. It’s drivin’ me crazy. Won’t you pick up the phone? I can pick up some wine. I can pick you up in my pickup truck. And we can pick up right where we left off. Ain’t that what we both want? Pick up the pieces, girl, It ain’t that broke. Pick up the past and just let it go. Put down that ‘Over me’ ‘Never wanna see me again’ ‘Goodbye’ kinda stuff and pick up._ ”

I moved to the stairs, slipping up to the split in the curtain so that I could see him. “ _You’re puttin’ me through Hell, one ring voicemail. Baby, I can tell that you ain’t on the other line. Accept. No, Decline. How can I tell you if you won’t listen? How can I tell you what I’ve been missin’, If you don’t, don’t, don’t. If you won’t, won’t, won’t. Won’t you pick up the phone? I can pick up some wine. I can pick you up in my pickup truck. And we can pick up right where we left off. Ain’t that what we both want? Pick up the pieces, girl, It ain’t that broke. Pick up the past and just let it go. Put down that ‘Over me’ ‘Never wanna see me again’ ‘Goodbye’ kinda stuff and pick up._ ” He turned to look at me as it went into the bridge, green eyes shining at me from under the brim of his NASCAR ball cap. “ _Oh, pick up. Put down the mistakes I made and the words we didn’t mean to say. And pick up the phone. I can pick up some wine. I can pick you up in my pickup truck. And we can pick up right where we left off. Ain’t that what we both want? Pick up the pieces, girl, It ain’t that broke. Pick up the past and just let it go. Put down that ‘Over me’ ‘Never wanna see me again’ ‘Goodbye’ kinda stuff and pick up. I dialed seven digits five times today. Just to hear you say you love or hate me. I just wanna hear your voice._ ”

Jay turned back to the audience, blew them a kiss, bowed slightly and waved before leaving the stage. “How do you always pick the songs? Th-the right songs, the perfect songs that…pull on my heart and-”

He tucked his hand around the back of my neck and dipped my head back. “I love you, Y/n. I sing from my heart, Baby Girl. That’s all. Dierks Bentley came on the Pandora in my truck and it was perfect. Since you kept sending me to voicemail, ya know?” He pulled me closer to him and I gasped, looking up into his eyes. “I’ve missed you. I want you to come home. Com’on. Janessa is a piss-poor substitute for you and I’m not much better. Mav won’t stop cryin’ and I just…I haven’t really been able to sleep all week, been worrying about you and-and Mav won’t sleep unless he’s on my chest and then _I_ can’t sleep because I’m afraid of crushin’ him and-”

I leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek, tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know if I can…I know you think you want me there, but I’m not good for you. I’m not supposed to-”

“Don’t say that,” he whispered. “Who got in your head, huh? You were mad at me when you left, but you weren’t…” His fingers tightened against the back of my neck and he pulled me closer again. I grabbed his biceps to ground myself as he looked in my eyes. “You saw Nate, didn’t you?”

I swallowed, trying to get rid of the knot in my throat. “He didn’t…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “He did. I’m…I can’t. Jensen, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. _I’m_ sorry. I was an idiot to share that voicemail. I was drunk and I just wanted to show them all the truth, but I should never have done it. Hey, look at me,” he whispered and I opened my eyes. “I love you. I’m sorry. I never should have made you leave without Maverick. And I _need_ you to come home.”

“Jay, I-”

“Let me take care of you, Y/n. You’ve spent the last week in a bottle…and I know the horrible shit you been tellin’ yourself. I know the lies your brain is comin’ up with. You shouldn’t be alone. No more, Baby Girl. Come home.”

I swallowed, licked my lips and nodded. “Okay,” I whispered.

Jay smiled, softly. “Mav’s with 'nessa back at the hotel. I’m sure he’d love to see you, too. Why don’t you check out of wherever you been stayin’ and come to the Marriott?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

He bit his bottom lip for a second, looking down into my eyes. “Can I kiss you? Or are you still too mad for that?” he whispered and I reached up to grab his head, pulling him down to smash my lips against his. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight to his body as we kissed. It was comforting and loving and I was crying overwhelmed tears by the time he pulled away. “Hey. Let’s go see our baby, huh?”

All I could do was nod at him. There was still so much depression pulling at me, but all I could feel from Jensen was love. He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the exit, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as we left the con. I melted into him, trying to let that comforting, loving feeling overtake everything else. Because that was the thing that was gonna get me through it. I was gonna be better with Jensen…even if he might not be better with me.

“Love you, Jay,” I whispered.

“I love you, too, Baby.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Warnings** : angst, anger, mentions of non-con, issues, depression, sads, Y/n still stuck in her depression, smut without specifics

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen led me into his hotel room, _our_ hotel room, and quietly closed the door behind us. Mav was sleeping in a travel bassinet beside the bed, Janessa asleep on a cot next to him. “Looks like she finally got Maverick to get some sleep. That’s good.”

I nodded, looking over at the bassinet, at my tiny baby boy. I wanted to go to him, but I couldn’t. After a week of telling myself I wasn’t good for him…after sinking so low…I couldn’t.

“Hey, you want a bottle of water?” Jay asked quietly as he walked over to the mini-fridge.

“Yeah.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and twisted open the bottle before offering it to me. He patted the bed next to him and I moved to sit on the opposite side, further away from Mav. I took the bottle and gulped down several mouthfuls of water. “You okay, baby girl?”

“No,” I answered honestly. I shook my head. “How did my life get to this, Jay? How did everything get so fucked up?”

“It’s Tom, Y/n. Tom fucked-”

“No.” I sniffled and shook my head again. “No, it’s me. It has to be. Because it’s everything. It’s not just Tom losing his mind, it’s not just Nate trying to hurt me, it’s not just you trying to make things better and fucking them up worse…I’m the central problem. All the bad revolves around…revolves around me.”

“What about the good, huh?” Jay asked, quietly. “What about the success you’ve had? What about the happiness? What about a happy relationship and a healthy son and the smartest little girl I’ve ever met? What about a career you’ve wanted for years and thousands of fans who love to hear you talk and sing and who spend their hard-earned cash to get pictures with you?” He put his hand on my thigh and leaned closer to me. “What about supportive friends? Thick or thin, ride-or-die friends who don’t get mad when you call them mean names just ‘cause you’re in a bad mood. All that revolves around you, too, Y/n.”

“You make it sound…” I sniffled as quietly as possible and looked down at the bottle in my hands. “I know there’s good, Jensen. I’m not so blind that I can’t see that there’s good things in my life. But there’s been so much bad. I’m so tired. I’m so broken.”

“You are not broken. You’re hurting and I know I’m part of that and I’m so so sorry.” He reached out and tucked his fingers under my chin, making me look at him. “You aren’t broken.”

I devolved into sobs pretty quickly after that, crying in his arms as quietly as I could in an effort to keep Mav and Janessa from waking. It wasn’t hard for me to fall asleep in his arms after that. Exhaustion and angry, tired eyes made it easy.

Maverick’s cries woke me up. “I got him,” Janessa said, stretching. She turned to look at me and smiled tightly. “Uh, unless you wanna…”

I shook my head. I couldn’t. Janessa just nodded and went to work, changing the baby’s diaper and quickly making a bottle of formula to soothe him back to sleep.

“Might help, you know,” Jay said, voice deep with sleep as he wrapped his arms around me. “Babies release happy chemicals. And he smells good.”

I smiled and settled closer to him. “Baby Prozac…that’s what Mom called Nova when she was Maverick’s age.” I swallowed and shook my head. “I can’t. Not yet.”

“You gotta get Nate outta your head, Y/n. You know he’s toxic.”

“I know. But maybe I’m toxic, too.”

“You are not. Shut up with that.” He pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. “We’re gonna fix this. We’re gonna make things better.”

“Me. I’m the thing that needs-”

“Nope. Don’t. Close your eyes and go back to sleep.”

It took a while. My mind wouldn’t shut up again. I could feel the spiral of darkness in my heart pulling me down, but then…Maverick sighed in his sleep. It was a tiny little rush of air out of his lungs and it was just…pure light. I fell asleep after that.

I felt horrible the next morning. Hungover and dehydrated, my stomach sour and my head pounding. Jensen got me more water, some Dramamine and Excedrin and Janessa got us all breakfast, which I managed to eat a few bites of. I felt almost okay by the time Clif drove us to the convention. Maverick, though, was not okay. Every time Janessa tried to calm him, he’d scream harder. Everyone in the green room tried to give their two cents on how to make him feel better, Kim and Bri both taking him and trying to bounce him or make him laugh but he just kept screaming…until Jensen picked him up.

“Well, this isn’t gonna be good for the panel,” Jared said.

“I’m sure the Gold fans won’t mind an extra Ackles on stage,” Stefani said, walking up and patting Mav’s back lightly.

I wanted to take my son from his father’s arms. I wanted to make things better but I couldn’t. I felt like I could only make things worse. Jay turned and looked down at me. “I can take him for the Gold Q and A but I can’t have him in the Ops.”

“J-Janessa and I can take care of him,” I whispered.

“Okay. Let’s go, little man.”

I watched from behind the curtain as Adam Malin introduced the boys. Jared walked out to screams and walked up to the mic. “Good morning, Nashville! You may notice we’re missing an Ackles from the stage,” Jared started.

“Where is he?!” several fans shouted.

“He’ll be out in just a minute, but we’re gonna have to ask you guys to keep the volume down. Can y’all manage that?” Jared asked. The audience responded with quiet and confused affirmation and Jare nodded at us.

Jensen leaned down and kissed the top of my head before he went up the stairs to the stage. There were gasps and ‘awwwws’ and a few whoops, but they mostly kept their volume down. “Sorry for the delay, guys. This poor little bugger just refuses to stop screamin’ unless he’s in his daddy’s arms.”

“So he’s gonna be joining us for the panel today. You guys don’t mind a little extra Ackles on your stage, do you?” Jared asked and the fans gave their little whoops. "We always love coming to Nashville. You guys are the most wonderful and welcoming city.”

I watched from the curtain as they took their questions. They were mostly the same normal questions from every other con but then someone asked, “Are you and Y/n okay?”

“I’m not sure how to answer this one. Because you guys have seen her this weekend, right?” There were several murmurs of agreement through the auditorium. “She’s not okay. She’s really not. You can see that. _I_ can see that…and I would love to blame it on Tom, but…I fucked up. I messed up majorly, and I can’t take it back and I can’t make it better and all I can do is try to mitigate the disaster I’ve created.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?” the fan asked.

“I used the word ‘disaster’, didn’t I?” Jay sighed and Mav cooed. “I’m surprised she even talked to me last night. I let her leave home knowing she was going back to Florida, that she was going to be subjected to her ex-husband because she wanted to see her daughter. I made her leave Maverick behind. I wasn’t thinking. I realized the next day that I made a huge mistake and I spent a week trying to get her on the phone. We’re working on it, but…she had a lot of bad shit happen in the span of just a few months and…ya know, it’s my job to make her life better, my _privilege_ to make things easier for her and I failed on that. I gotta spend the time and effort to help bring her back around.”

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to her. She was avoiding my calls too, but when I get a chance I’m going to suggest therapy,” Jared said. “I’ve talked to her in the past, we’ve talked about our mental health in the past. She used to see a counselor when she was in high school, but that was before her ex-husband Nate and before Tom and I think…ya know there’s only so far your friends and family can take you. That support is very important but when you’re dealing with something-something as big as what’s been happening to her, you need a professional to talk to. There’s a big stigma on therapy but…mental health maintenance is just as valid and imperative as going to the dentist. You might hate doing it and you might hurt for a while after but you’re gonna feel better in the long run.”

“Yeah, I was actually gonna suggest it too. I’m obviously a little outta my depth here. We had some stalkers and crazies giving us a hard time when I was with Dee but most of that was online bullying. What Tom has done-” I flinched and closed my eyes as my brain called forth the memory of Tom spinning me into the wall, his hand over my mouth so I couldn’t scream. “-is much worse. I’m not sure I can get her through this. Not without help.”

I flagged down one of the Creation bodyguards and had him take me back to the green room. I couldn’t hear it anymore. I already felt so broken and listening to the guys talking about how much help I needed, it wasn’t doing anything good for my mental health.

Jensen handed Maverick to Janessa as soon as he entered the green room and Mav immediately started to cry, but Jay ignored it and came over to me. “I gotta get to my ops, but…are you okay?”

I guess I took too long to answer because Jared was suddenly in front of me, pulling me into a hug. “Don’t say anything. Just hug. We can talk later,” he whispered, and I melted into my friend’s arms. “If you need to cry, let it out. You know I got a half a dozen shirts to change into.”

I laughed instead. “You big, sweaty moose,” I said, pulling back to look in his eyes. “Thank you, Jared.”

“We’re gonna talk later, right?” he said pointedly and all I could do was nod. “Good.” He pulled back and looked at Jay. “Let’s go, Ackles. We’ve got a schedule.”

Jensen gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked away.

I stood, semi-paralyzed by numbness, in the middle of the room and I waited for something to force movement. A particularly shrill shriek from Mav was the thing that did it. My feet carried me to Janessa’s side without much input from me. “Desperado,” I started to sing as I gently took him from his nanny’s arms.

It took a minute but between my singing and swaying with him, Maverick calmed again. “That’s right, baby boy. You’re so perfect. So amazing. Mommy missed you so much. I’m sorry I left. Mommy’s gonna make everything better. I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

He fell asleep in my arms.

When the guys came in for lunch before their afternoon panel, Jared offered me a styrofoam container. “Hungry?” For the first time since the court date, I was able to honestly say ‘yes’. Jensen grabbed Mav’s baby seat and I gently set him down. “It’s fried chicken, coleslaw, fries and the best fucking yeast rolls you’ll ever have,” Jared said quietly as he sat next to me.

I dug into the food, actually ravenous for the first time in days, and Jay watched me with interest as he started eating his. “So.” Jared swallowed his mouthful of food and licked his lips. “How you feelin’?”

“Better,” I answered, pulling a bit of the roll off.

“You ready to talk?”

“You don’t have time for that,” I deflected.

“I got time for a start,” he argued. “Come on, Y/n. A lot happened.”

“And what do you want me to say? Where do you want me to start? I can’t…” I popped the roll in my mouth and shrugged. “I was stalked and tortured, sexually assaulted, the world got to hear it happen and still people think I’m lying…making it up. My ex-husband, who stole my daughter from me out of spite, pointed out that I don’t belong here…with you guys, in this world. He said I’m not like you and he’s right. Of course he is. I never should have been mixed up in all this-”

“Stop,” Jensen growled and I flinched. “He isn’t _right_. He’s an asshole. He kept you down for years and he’s still trying. You belong here.” He moved to look in my eyes. “You belong with your friends, you belong in this job…you belong with me and Maverick, Baby Girl.”

“You do belong with us. I mean, have you ever felt as comfortable or happy as you do with us?” Jared asked, licking his fingers. “Forgetting all the shit with Tom and Nate, and the drama about you between Jensen and Danneel. Just thinking about the cons and the show and the baby and Jensen. Aren’t you happy?“

I took a deep breath and nodded. Of course. If you took away all the bad shit, of course I was happy. Jared leaned forward and smiled at me. "Look, I know it’s hard and you’re focusing on all the bad right now and you’re blaming yourself because it all seems to be happening to and because of you, but you need to focus on the good. There’s so much going for you.”

“I know that but it’s-”

“You should talk to Padalecki’s shrink,” Jay said suddenly.

“She does Skype sessions. You don’t even have to be in Austin to see her. She prefers talk therapy to medication which we all know you don’t need. It’s a good idea, Y/n.”

I sighed heavily and looked down at Maverick as he started to move around in his seat. “Yeah. Get me her information, I’ll set up an appointment.”

“That’s great!”

They finished their lunch and I finished mine and they went back to their job. I fell back into my mother role, changing diapers, shaking bottles, singing calming songs. It was nice to see he still needed me.

And that’s what I clung to, as we headed back to Texas to spend our final week before Jay headed to Vancouver to start work. My son needed me. My daughter did too.

“Good to be home, huh?” Jay said as we dropped our bags in the living room. Janessa took Mav to the nursery and I looked around. It did feel nice to be home and sober, with the paparazzi off the lawn.

“Yeah.”

“This _is_ still home, right?” he asked quietly.

I turned to look at him. His face was pensive and it struck me that maybe he really didn’t think I was gonna come home. “I’m sorry.”

“I really thought I’d fucked up another perfect thing. I real-” He shook his head and looked away from me. “You mean everything to me, Y/n. The thought that you might not come back…when I couldn’t get you on the phone…I thought it was over.”

“I…” A moment of clarity shined through me. “I never considered leaving _you_ , Jensen…but I did think about…drinking myself to death to rid the world of my poison so…maybe that’s the same thing.”

His eyes snapped to mine and I swallowed at the intense fear and sadness in them. “You aren’t-I can't…” He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand down his face. “I’m glad you’re here. I love you. That’s…that’s all I need to say right now, okay?”

Tears started rolling down my face and I moved to sit on the sofa, head hanging and hands covering my eyes. “Thank you. Thank you for still loving me.”

“Hey,” he whispered, dropping to his knees in front of me and gently pulling my hands away from my face. “Of course I still love you, Y/n. I always will. I shoulda gone with you, followed you to Florida, at least. I never should have made you leave without Maverick. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t want you to come with me. I was so hurt about the video and…it wasn’t even that important,” I said between sobs.

“It _was_ important. It was hurtful and I need to have all electronics taken away from me when I’ve been drinking.” He ran his hands up my arms and settled them on my shoulders. “I love you and I’m sorry.”

“I love you, too, Jay.”

He leaned up and gave me a chaste kiss. “You tired, Baby Girl?” he whispered as he leaned back. I nodded. “Okay. Let’s go lay down.”

“Okay,” I said, standing. It was late morning but I was drained.

I actually spent the next several days completely drained. I was there, with Mav as much as possible, with Jay as much as possible but everything took so much more effort than it should have.

“I’m worried, man. I leave in two days. It’s just gonna be her, Janessa and Mad Max. She’s still so low,” Jensen said into his phone on Friday. He must’ve thought I was still in the nursery or something. “She set up an intake appointment with your therapist but she’s not gonna get to talk it out with a professional until Wednesday…and I’m not gonna be here for it.” He sighed loud enough for me to hear it in the hallway. “Do you think Gen could come over and…right. I forgot about her Lifetime thing. Shit. Someone’s gotta…no, I think things are probably not good between 'em. You forget that Dee kissed her? Y/n didn’t take it well, brother, it’s one of the things she freaked about before she ran off to Florida.”

I slipped into the living room as Jay said, “I said _one_ of the things.” I sat on the oak table in front of him and waited. He reached out and took my hand, still holding his phone to his ear with his other one. “Oh, it could hurt lots of ways…but I’ll ask. Might as well, right?” He kissed my knuckles as he listened to whatever Jared was saying. “Yeah, you’re right, man. Look, I gotta go. Give our love to Gen and the kids. See ya Sunday.” He waited a second for Jared to say goodbye and then he pulled the phone away from his head and set it aside. “Hey, Baby Girl. How you feelin’?”

“I’m still struggling.” I shrugged. “But I’m better than I was a week ago. You don’t have to worry about going back to work, hon.”

“Of course I do. I’m gonna be two thousand miles away, Y/n. I’m not gonna be-”

“And I’m not gonna kill myself while you’re in Vancouver, I promise.”

He licked his lips and shook his head. “I know you aren’t planning to but come on. You can’t be alone.”

“What is Janessa, chopped liver?”

“She’s here to watch out for the baby, not you. She’s a caregiver, but she’s not _your_ caregiver.”

I bit my bottom lip and scratched my fingers across my scalp. “Yeah, I know…but neither are you. You gotta go back to work. There is no show without you…and I’ll be following in a couple weeks.” I pulled his hand into my lap. “I’ll be okay.”

“I’d just feel a lot better if someone were here with you until you have to get on that plane, Baby Girl.”

I leaned away and dropped his hand. “Then have Danneel check on me. I won’t make a fuss about it…as long as she’s sober when she shows up.”

“Are you sure?”

I stood and stepped toward the bedroom. “Yes. As sure as I am that it’s the only way this is gonna work. I’m gonna take a shower. Call Dee.”

When I got out of the shower, Jay was sitting on the bed. “Dee said she’ll bring the kids over for lunch every other day until you gotta head to Vancouver. Okay?”

“Okay.” I shuffled to the bed and stood in front of him for a minute before leaning down to kiss him. His hands moved to rest on my hips over my robe, eyes closed as our tongues found each other. My eyes fluttered between open and closed as I pushed my robe off and buried my hands in his hair.

Jensen pulled back when the fabric hit the floor, looking into my eyes for clarity. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” I whispered, pushing him backward to lay on the bed. “After everything…after all the bad, Jay…Jensen. My love. I just want to be in your arms, feeling amazing and beautiful again. I wanna be unbroken.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward on top of him, rolling me under immediately. “You’re absolutely perfect, Y/n. I mean it. You’re not broken.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I said quietly, leaning up and kissing him as his hands traveled my body.

He understood what I meant, showing me how he felt with loving caresses and kisses, his tongue and lips moving across my skin. Everything was soft, pleasurable, lovely and loving. Exactly what I needed. He built me up as he built my orgasm with his mouth on my clit and his fingers buried in my cunt.

I didn’t make that whining noise. I didn’t really make any noise. But as he pulled me up against his body, strong arms holding me tight to his chest, I let a few tears into my pillow. “I love you, Jay.”

“Love you too, baby.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen left Sunday evening, arrived in Vancouver seven hours later. He called me as soon as he landed, told me he was gonna take Jared for a steak. I told him to have a beer for me and that I would text him before I went to bed, that I’d see him in a couple weeks.

Monday morning, at a little past eleven, a knock moved me from my place on the couch. Danneel was standing in the doorway with JJ and the twins. JJ ran forward to hug me, shrieking my name in that way only an excited child can manage.

“She’s been so excited to see her littlest brother,” Danneel said with a smile.

I patted the little blond girl’s head and smiled. “He’s in the playpen if you wanna see him.” She ran over to the playpen, Arrow and Zeppelin following her lead. I closed the door as Dee stepped in. “Thanks for coming. It makes Jensen feel better.”

“And how are _you_ feeling?”

“Does it matter? You’re just here to make sure I haven’t K-I-L-L-E-D myself since Jay’s been gone.”

“JJ can spell simple words like that so it might be a better idea to try more complex wording…and of course it matters, Y/n. I’m not just here to check on you. I’m also here to apologize.”

“You don’t need to-” I started, but she shook her head, perfect brunette curls swishing back and forth.

“Jensen’s not the only one who made a drunken mistake the day of the judgement. Not that kissing you was a mistake, because I’ve been thinking about doing that for months, but I didn’t consider the timing of it. I was such an idiot,” she said, exasperated.

“No, no, you were just-”

“You’ve never kissed a woman and you were assaulted earlier that day and I should never have sprung it on you like that. I really should have thought it through more but the wine…got my head all messed up and you were just so…" She shook her head as my eyes went wide. “I am very sorry, Y/n.”

I could only swallow and nod. “It’s-it’s okay. I forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t forgive so easily, but thank you.” I tried to return her smile, that beautiful, bright glowing smile, but I only managed to get my lips to twitch. “Now. Lunch?”


	9. Chapter 9

The chair was soft and very comfortable, but I wasn’t. My stomach was in tight knots. I knew I needed to be there, knew I needed help but talking seemed hopeless.

“Y/n,” the doctor said and my eyes flicked to her face. “Why do you think you’re here? Imagine I’ve never seen a tabloid and know nothing of your circumstances. Explain it to me.”

“I guess I’m just overwhelmed, ya know?” I shifted in the chair and looked down at my hands. “A couple years ago, I was nobody. I was your typical ‘peaked in middle school’ former gifted kid with no motivation or self-esteem who barely survived a marriage to a toxic man and worked in a deadend job. I guess...maybe I’m just too much of a nobody to deal with these somebody problems.”

“There’s no such thing as a ‘somebody’ problem. There are problems you can solve alone, problems you can solve with help, and problems to be solved at another time. I think you’re used to problems that fit snugly in the first of third category, am I right? If you can’t fix it, it doesn’t get fixed until you can.”

I hated this part. Psych profiling. She’d known me ten minutes and already had my number.

“Normally, I call it a need for control, but...I’ve done a bit of research on you. We’ve got People and Us magazine out in the waiting room. You’re a caregiver archetype, Y/n. You handle everything yourself because you don’t want to bother anyone else with your problems.” I licked my lips and nodded. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the problems in the middle are the most impactful.”

“I know.”

“So...let’s talk about one of those problems from the middle, huh? Dealer’s choice. Whichever one you wanna work on today.”

My mind zoomed across all of my problems before settling on Tom. “I guess the biggest problem from the middle is my psycho ex-boyfriend.”

“Tell me about him,” she said, scribbling on her notepad.

It took me a few minutes to start, to figure out how to get it out, but once I started I couldn’t stop. I focused on his behavior during our relationship to start, him using my son to get to me, then I shifted to telling her about his actions at the courthouse.

“He was going to rape me. He cornered me in that room with the express intention to...d-dominate me again.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and shook my head. “I can’t...I’ve been trying so hard to get over this and-”

“Y/n, this happened a month ago. You expect to be over it already?”

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I  _ have _ to get over it. I c-can’t...everyone’s so worried about me and I...I can’t keep being-”

“You’re right. Everyone’s worried about you. Jared talked to me about you before you even called to set up an appointment. He told me that your boyfriend and friends are worried to the same degree that they used to worry about  _ him _ . And that’s a  _ good _ thing. Having people who love you enough to worry about you? That’s a good thing. You have an amazing support system and you need to take every advantage of it without feeling guilty. You need to let them help you.”

“I can’t put all this crap on them.”

“That’s not what I’m telling you to do, Y/n,” she said, setting her notepad on her desk and slipping her glasses off of her face. “You don’t need to put anything on anyone, but you need to let them help you hold it. They want to help you.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay. Now, we’re coming up on the end of our session, but I want you to do a little homework before next time, huh? I want you to make a list of all the problems in the middle. All the things weighing on you that you have chosen to set aside because you didn’t know how to deal with them. We’ll pick one thing from the list every session and talk them out. A lot of these things get lighter just by talking about them.” 

She stood and I followed suit. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“Of course. Set up another appointment with my receptionist. If you aren’t in town when the next appointment comes up, we’ll do it over Skype. Just shoot me an email, okay?” she said, walking me out to the waiting room.

“Sounds good, thanks,” I said as Danneel set her People magazine on the coffee table and stood with a smile.

“How do you feel, honey?” Dee asked as the shrink disappeared back into her office.

“A little raw, emotionally-speaking...but okay, I guess.”

She rested her hand on my lower back while I made my next appointment with the receptionist. I’m not sure when her overly-tactile approach became normal for me, but it didn’t bug me anymore. It was pretty comforting, actually. Helped me stay grounded. Stable. 

"What do you say we stop at McDonald's on the way back?" she suggested. "The kids would love that."

"Yeah, they would. Sounds good."

"So, are you going to see her again? Gonna keep that second appointment?" Dee asked as we walked out to her Benz.

"Yeah. Probably. She seems like someone I could get comfortable with."

"Well, what did she say?"

"She said that I hold too much stuff in because I don't want to burden my friends and that I should burden my friends because they're my support system and that's what friends are for. That was today's big insight. We didn’t even touch on the fact that I tried to drink myself to death. We spent most of our time talking about Tom,” I said, sitting in the passenger seat and softly closing the door.

“Well, I’m sure you can talk to her about it next time. You  _ are  _ going to go for another appointment, Y/n.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to go for another appointment. I will,” I promised.

“Good. We’re here for you. All of us.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danneel was my rock over the weeks between Jay leaving and me following him. She was more than supportive or helpful, she kept me from falling again. She even raised me up a bit higher. 

She drove me to Austin-Bergstrom to fly out to Vancouver, walked me in and up to the security checkpoint. “I’ll check on Janessa and Maverick for you. Don’t worry about him at all, okay?” she practically chirped. 

“Thank you, Danneel. For everything,” I said, stepping to the side and setting my bag down before opening my arms and motioning for her to hug me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. When she went to pull away, I kissed her cheek. I don’t know why. It just...happened. I realized immediately what I’d done and looked away, cheeks hot as I grabbed my bag. “I’ll text when I get to Canada. Thanks again.”

I spent the entire flight wondering why I’d done that. I tried to zone out with some music. Tried to zone out with some Netflix downloads. But nothing worked. My brain was stuck on ‘why would I have kissed her when I freaked out about the fact that she kissed me?’. Was it going to be a thing? It was just a kiss on the cheek but did it mean something? Would  _ she _ think it meant something? 

Jay was waiting for me at the airport with Jared and Clif. “Hey, beautiful. You hungry?” he asked, pulling my backpack off by the shoulder straps and slinging it over his shoulder.

“Starving. I was not in the mood for any of the munchies on the flight.”

“Right. Well, steak? Burgers? Pizza? What does my baby girl feel like tonight?” Jay asked.

“A burger sounds amazing, actually,” I answered.

“Hungry is a good sign,” Jared commented with a smile.

“Right.” I nodded as Clif opened the door for me and I climbed into the backseat of the SUV. 

“How was your appointment?” Jared asked from the front passenger seat.

“It was good. I mean, it wasn’t that deep, mostly just me talking about Tom...a lot, but it’s cool. It was a good starting point,” I said. 

“Gotta start somewhere,” Jensen said, reaching out to take my hand. “You seem a lot better, though. Better than you did when I left.”

I swallowed nervously. “I think a lot of that was Danneel, actually. She was a lot of help.” 

He smiled, beautiful green eyes sparkling. “My girls...helping each other out. That’s great.”

I nodded. ‘His girls’. His girls. She wasn’t supposed to be his girl anymore and all I could think was, “Oh, great. Here comes that ‘Never gonna be enough’ feeling. Awesome.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to work the next day, still battling my feelings. It helped a little to get back to doing what I loved, the character that had become so much a part of me. Tara was happy and flirty and badass. She was magic and grace and tragedy and she deserved the good things, everyone said so, and if she deserved them, so did I.

“Now, this is the big reveal scene. Chuck’s been hiding Tara to use her against Dean. Dean’s fucking destroyed to see her alive and standing against him. Y/n, Tara is blank. Think Robo-Cas beating Dean to death at Naomi’s instruction,” the director coached and I nodded. Blank was easy.

“There any way we could do a happy scene, instead?” Jensen asked, smiling a little.

“Yeah, let’s rewrite the whole script to accommodate your girlfriend’s crazy,” I snapped. “It’s Supernatural and it’s the final season. If you’re looking for happy, look elsewhere.”

He followed me across the bunker set and rushed to get ahead and block me. “Hey! You are not crazy...and I was joking about the scene. Tara’s gotta throw Dean across the room a few times so that the kiss is more impactful.” He stepped closer and leaned down to kiss me. “I love you, Y/n. Don’t jump to conclusions so fast.”

I nodded and whispered an apology against his lips. Rob was waiting on set when we got back and I smiled tightly at him. “Hey. You okay?”

“Still a little touchy, apparently. I’m sorry about Nashville. I was-”

“Forgiven. No need to mention it again, Y/n.”

I smiled. These people are too good for me. “Let’s do this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What are you going to do with all this crap when the show’s over?” I asked, looking around the apartment. There was nowhere to put all of it.

“Figure it can go in storage until I get another gig. Or, you know, maybe I’ll leave it here for a while. I mean, the lease isn’t up until the end of the year.”

“I thought you were gonna look for something that shoots closer to home...or, ya know, focus on the music for a while,” I said, licking my lips.

“Well, yeah, that’s the plan, but...gotta take care of business. If the only job I can get is here, I’m gonna stay.”

I rolled my eyes. “You can get any job. What are you talking about?”

“Oh, cool! Any job, huh?” He walked up and wrapped his arms around me. “Always wanted to be a surgeon.”

I laughed and laid my head on his chest. “You know what I mean, you goof. Any studio, any casting director, any production would be glad to have Jensen Ackles on their set.” I leaned back and looked up in his eyes. “Ooh, or maybe you take your director’s hat with you to somewhere else.”

“I do like that hat,” he said quietly. “But I think I’m gonna try to keep the Arlyn Studios hat on.”

“Well, that’ll be nice. Have you home every night.”

“That’ll be amazing,” he whispered, leaning his head down and kissing me. “So what do  _ you _ wanna do? When the show’s over, what do you wanna do?”

I shook my head. “I don’t even know. I mean...do you think anyone is even gonna wanna work with me after this debacle with Tom?”

“You are an amazing actor, Y/n. You should go on a couple auditions. I can work with you, get you prepared, maybe talk to some people at Warner Brothers and-”

I shook my head. “I don’t want you talking to anybody to try to get me a job, Jay. I want to get jobs on my own merits, not because my boyfriend called in a favor.”

“That’s not what I meant. I know you can get a job on your own. Marvel...you weren’t even looking for that job.” 

“Yeah, no, that was just Satan working through Kevin Feige to destroy my life,” I joked, walking away toward the kitchen.

“You’ll find something else. I know you will!” he called after me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’ve got a visitor at the gates, Y/n,” the PA said and an irrational zing of fear went through me. It couldn’t be Tom. Tom went back to London to wait it out until his trial.

“Who?” I squeaked.

“A rep from Marvel. I told him to wait at Jensen’s trailer, is that okay?”

I took a deep breath and sighed it out. “Yeah, that’s fine.” I smiled and walked away from the set.

A tall brunette man I’d never met was standing outside the trailer. “Miss Y/L/N, my name is Chris King, I work for Marvel studios.”

“You work for Disney. Just say Disney,” I said, pulling the door of the trailer open and stepping up into it. He followed. “You want a water?” I offered, pulling a bottle out of the minifridge. 

“No, thank you.” I nodded and twisted the top off of my water. I leaned against the counter and gestured for him to get on with it. “We wanted to extend an invitation to return to Marvel.”

My eyebrows shot up. “You what?” I asked, scoffing.

“We ended up pushing back the villains movie and the actor we hired to replace you as Sin has agreed to step back to allow you to take the part back now that you’re no longer pregnant.”

“I cannot believe this,” I said, chuckling. “Wow. You people...are incredible.”

“Does that mean you’re interested?”

“Not in the slightest!” I said, laughing harder. “You people. You fired me! I played ball and pretended that Tom wasn’t evil so that I could keep that job. I got pregnant and you fired me and now you’re trying to save face by offering me the job back?!”

“We aren’t-”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Chris! You’re ridiculous. Do you honestly think that I’m gonna come work for the company that knew what Tom was and did nothing?"

"We didn't know he was going to-"

"Yeah, but y'all knew what he had  _ done _ . When I was scrambling to clean up and hold my own after he hurt me right here on this lot, Disney sided with him. Disney made it real easy to tell the truth when it came down to it. So you can go back to Marvel Studios and tell them to let the other chick keep her job because I am not interested in playing the Mouse's politics." I set the bottle on the counter and walked out, holding the trailer door open so that he would follow.

"Miss Y/L/N, please reconsider. I know that your only job is this one and you-"

"I can find another. I've got time. I'm not hurting for cash, Chris. Not enough for this. Not enough to make y'all look good by coming back. If I come back, it's All's Forgiven and it's  _ not _ . It's not forgiven. Fuck forgiveness. Have a nice flight back to LA."

He opened his mouth to say something but I just slammed the trailer door shut and walked away from him.

"What was that about?" Jensen asked when I got back to the set.

"Marvel wants me to be Sin again."

His eyebrow went up. "Really? What'd you say?"

"I told him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I can't trust them." I shrugged. "They don't have a monopoly yet. I can work for Sony or Warner Brothers. Or I could just not work. Let you bring home all our bacon."

"As long as the cons are goin', you have bacon-bringing abilities," he said winking. "I'm proud of you. Stood up for yourself."

"Yup. Now channel all that pride into jamming a sword in my chest," I joked. 

"Oh, man, the fans are gonna hate this," he groaned, looking down at the hilt of the sword with the retractable j-rod that SFX would turn into the sword Dean runs through Tara.

"What are you talking about? The fans love it when a love interest dies! This is like Madison and Jo and, in a weird way Abaddon, all rolled into one! They will love this."

"Yeah, well,  _ I  _ don't like it."

"Deal with it, honey," I said, winking. "Come on. Let's go kill me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wasn’t happy to pack up my stuff, but it wasn’t like I was coming back to Vancouver to stay. Tara was officially dead, never to be seen again. I was out of a job. I needed to go home to Mav...but I hated that I wasn’t going to get to see Jensen again until they filmed the last episode.

“There’s a lot of memories here,” he said, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me as I set my books in a box. “This is where we fell in love.”

“I fell in love with you a long time before I moved in here, Ackles,” I said, leaning back into his embrace.

“Oh, did you?” His hands traveled up under my t-shirt and across my breasts.

“Uh-huh. I loved you before I met you.”

“Nah. You loved my image, not me,” he countered, running his thumbs over my nipples.

“Fine. I fell for you the moment you called me ‘Baby Girl’, how ‘bout that?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady as he pressed his body against mine, that beautiful cock getting hard behind me.

“That one might be true. That was, what, day two?” he asked, skimming his lips across my neck.

“Um, y-yeah. Right after I won that pool.”

“You know that was the first night I jacked off to you?” he asked, running his hand down to pop the button on my jeans. I couldn’t respond as his hand slipped into my panties, just shaking my head a little. “You were wearing that purple dress with the combat boots, had your hair all straight and your makeup all pretty...and you kept playing with your straw, licking it and rolling it between your lips. I couldn’t stop imagining your lips on my cock. I was half hard the whole night, barely made it back here to take care of it.”

“Jay,” I panted out as his fingertips rubbed at my clit. “Fuck.”

“I got you, Baby Girl.” He slipped my shirt off over my head and dropped it to the floor before pushing my pants and underwear down my legs. “I wanna taste you. Get on the bed.”

I stepped out of my clothes and rushed to the bed. He had me in my nostalgia and I couldn't help thinking of our first time. When I was so nervous and excited. When I was happy just to be with him. "When did you realize?" I asked as he crawled across the mattress.

"Realize what?" 

"That you loved me," I answered, cheeks heating up a bit. I could remember the first time he said the words and the first time he texted them to me, but he'd never told me the moment he knew.

He smiled softly and kissed my belly. "There was this one night...it was real late. You’d been done shooting for hours, but you stuck around to ride home with me. You were asleep in the trailer,” he said, leaning back and looking in my eyes. “And I just watched you sleep for a few minutes. The way your chest rose and fell with your breathing, how you were smiling at whatever you were dreaming...and I knew. I knew I never wanted anyone else to see you so vulnerable and honest. I knew you had a spot in my heart.”

I bit my lip. “I...I don’t remember that night,” I whispered as he ran his hand down my body.

“You wouldn’t. It was nothin’ special for you. It was only special for me because of you.”

“Jeez, I can’t even with you, Jensen,” I said, shaking my head. “You are too sweet.”

He hummed in agreement and leaned down to kiss me. I grabbed his head, kissing him back passionately as he grabbed at my hips and rutted his erection against me. He pulled back and moved down my body, kissing his way across my skin. When he made it to my pussy, he licked at my folds like they were a delicacy. He moaned happily into my cunt, grabbing at my thighs as I grabbed at the comforter, twisting my fingers in the fabric.

“J-Jensen, please. It’s so good.” He nibbled lightly on my clit, slipping two fingers into my pussy and pumping them slowly. The high-pitched whine took me by surprise, it had been so long since I made the sound. I could almost feel Jay smile against me, but he kept going, kept pushing me higher and higher until I broke.

He was smirking when he pulled back, licking his full lips in a cocky way. “Someone enjoyed herself.”

“Oh, I am not anywhere near done enjoying myself. Get your clothes off, Ackles. Now,” I demanded, reaching out to rub him through his jeans. He hissed, which turned into a growled ‘fuck’ as I increased pressure. His shirt was gone and across the room in seconds and then his body was over mine, the bulge in his pants grinding into my mound as he kissed me breathless.

I pulled at his belt and zipper, desperate for him in a way I hadn’t experienced in months. He went up on his forearms to give me space to pull his cock out of his pants and moaned when I started running my fist up and down his length. He pushed his pants further down his thighs and maneuvered us into the perfect position before covering my hand with his and guiding the head of his dick to my pussy. “You’re so wet, Baby Girl.”

“All for you. Now, fuck me, Jay,” I said, pulling my hand away and grabbing at his biceps.

“Love when you get bossy,” he said, starting to push into me. The stretch is always a beautiful, just slightly painful thing but this time it really hit me. No one would ever match Jensen. No one would ever fill me like him. Even if something changed and he didn’t want me again, no man would ever match up.

His lips pressed against mine as he thrust into me and I planted my feet to meet him, holding him tightly and moving with him. I used to think sex and making love were synonomous, but they aren’t. Jay taught me that...and we made love. Hands caressing each other, tongues tasting every bit of skin we could reach, breathing each other’s air. Perfect example of lovemaking.

“What do you say you miss your flight home? Stay another night?” he asked as I laid against his sweaty chest, drawing with my finger across his abs.

“I say Janessa needs a break or we’re gonna owe her a big bonus...and I miss Mav.”

“Can’t fault me for tryin’, can you?” he asked, running his hand through my hair.

“I’d stay if I could.”

“I know. Maverick needs you more than I do,” he said quietly. “But I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too. I always miss you.” I cuddled closer to him and sighed. “Thank you for being here for me. I know I’m a mess, but you...you stick by me anyway.”

“You’re a perfect mess and I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

“Thank you, Jay. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Baby Girl.” He leaned down and kissed the top of my head and sighed contentedly and everything was just...okay. For a few minutes, life was just good. 

We opted for an Uber to the airport and Jensen smirked as he grabbed the offered aux cord and plugged it into his phone.

Dierks Bentley ‘Black’ started playing and my cheeks went hot as Jensen started singing it to me. I buried my face in my hands. “I can’t believe you remember!”

He chuckled. “Of course I remember. It was the first time I made your eyes roll back.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kept singing. “ _ ‘Make my world go bla-a-ack. Make my world go black.’ _ ”

“You’re such a cheese-ball!” I said, laughing as I pulled my hands away.

“You love it. Now, sing with me.” I leaned into him and joined the song.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danneel picked me up at the airport, looking like the model she is. She didn’t mention the cheek kiss. Not when she picked me up, not when we took the kids to the park the next day or when we met Gen the next week at an upscale spa in Austin for facials, massages and wine.

Dee’s presence was this weird mixture of soothing and tension-inducing. She was so supportive and wonderful, made me laugh and smile, but just like Jay in the beginning, I was always expecting to do something wrong. I always had a feeling of ‘when will the shoe drop’.

Dee was a friend and I could feel she cared about me, but there was the question of when the bad was going to come again.

“It was so much easier when I was the mistress.” I was drunk. Wine hits hard and we had a few bottles after we got back from the spa. “Like, I didn’t have to worry about stuff an’ there was rules an’ I’m, uh, I’m’mazing with rules. My dad’aught me how follow rules an’ now I’m-” I leaned forward and set my glass on the table, turning to Dee. “Everything’s complicated.”

“I know, sweetie, but you’ve got people to help you figure it out. And you weren’t really happy as the mistress, were you?”

“Yes! I was! I had Jensen and I didn’t have Tom and Nate didn’t have Nova and-” Danneel put her hand on my knee and leaned her shoulder into mine. “Sorry. Just...things are complicated an’ it sucks.”

She squeezed my knee and I smiled. Little comforting touches. Dee’s very good at little comforting touches. She makes me feel loved in a very similar way to Jay. “You’re tough, sweetie. You got this,” she said, before kissing my cheek.

Something about her hand on my knee, her perfume in my nose, her lips on my cheek...it spurred my drunk mind to action.

I turned my head and captured her full, red lips with mine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary** : Y/n doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that she’s drawn to Danneel, but Jensen has some ideas.

 **Pairing** : Jensen x Reader, Danneel x Reader, Jensen x Reader x Danneel

 **Chapter Warnings: 18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** , threesome, oral (fem rec), fingering, first time lesbian experience

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hand on my knee tightened its hold as the other went to the back of my neck, pulling me into her. My whole body heated up as I went with it, burying my hands in her hair and pressing myself into her body.

When our tongues started running along each other, the wheels in my head started turning again. I pulled away and stood. “Oh, my God! I’m-I’m so sorry!” I covered my mouth with my hand and stepped back. “I’m so sorry and stupid and dumb and-” I ran off toward the bedroom and pulled out my phone. Jay was working, I knew he probably wouldn’t answer, but as I leaned against the door, I knew I had to call.

“Hey, Baby Girl, perfect timing. We just wrapped for dinner. Padalecki and I-”

“I kissed Danneel,” I interrupted.

“You…what?”

“I’m so sorry. I’m such a bad girlfriend. I didn’t-it wasn’t-we were have a wine and she kissed my cheek and then we were making out and I’m so, so sorry, Jay. I’m-”

“Calm down, Y/n,” Jensen said, and he sounded amused, like it was funny to him that I was freaking out about it. “Take a nice, deep breath for me. Good girl. Now let it out slow.”

I did as he told me and slid down the door. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby. First off, it was a kiss. It’s not a huge deal. Second, it’s an unbelievably hot image in my head of you two gettin’ it on.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, hon.”

“Seriously, you _know_ why this happened, right?”

“No!” I exclaimed. “It shouldn’t have.”

“You need affection, Y/n. Just like I need sex to maintain, you need intimacy. Dee’s givin’ you that while I’m away.”

“But I don’t…I’m not…I don’t kiss women, Jay.”

“Yeah, up to now that might be true, but this stuff isn’t black or white. We exist in shades of grey and you’re discovering your place on the scale…it’s just a bit tipped over to women right now.” I pressed my fingers into my eyes and rubbed. “Look, does Dee give you butterflies?”

I blinked away the stars from rubbing my eyes and sighed. “Yeah. I-I guess, yeah.”

“I think you should go for it and before you get all upset, I’m sayin’ it for your good, not mine. I know Danneel would be receptive. She really likes you. She’d give you the affection you’re needing while I’m gone…and if it goes past cuddling and making out, I just ask for video evidence for posterity.”

“This is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it?” I snapped.

“No. Not at all,” he said, seriously. “I know this scares you, Baby Girl, but I really do think this is something you should pursue. I think Danneel could be really good for you…and I want you to have good things, okay?”

I sighed, a weird feeling in my chest. “But wouldn’t…wouldn’t it be cheating?”

“It’s not cheating, not if you have permission, Y/n. I’m giving you permission. I want you to do this.”

I took a deep breath and sighed it out, but the feeling in my chest stayed. “I don’t know. This just seems like a really bad idea.”

“Like being a married man’s mistress? ‘Cause that turned out pretty good for you. In fact, things only went ass over teakettle when you ran…so maybe don’t run this time.”

“‘Ass over teakettle’?” I knew what the phrase meant, but Jensen doesn’t usually use Southernisms like that.

“I was talkin’ to Richard earlier and…shut up, you know what I mean. Don’t let your fear fuck you outta something good, okay? Just think about it. I gotta go eat before we start up again. You gonna be okay?”

I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. I’m gonna be okay.”

“Good. I’ll call when I get done here. Love you, Y/n.”

“Love you, too, Jensen.” I took a deep breath and stood, opening the door and walking out to the living room where Dee was sitting on the couch, playing with her phone. “Hey, I’m so sorry. I-”

“No, no, sweetie, it’s okay. I totally-”

“I’m sorry I ran,” I finished. “I freaked out. I just–I don’t do this, ya know? I’ve never…I just…I freaked.” My cheeks were burning at this point. “Jay told me not to run. So…I’m not running.”

“He told you to pursue it, huh?” she asked with a knowing smile. I nodded. “Like _that_ isn’t a thinly-veiled attempt at a threesome.”

I chuckled and moved to sit next to her. “He said I’m affection-starved…that’s why it’s so hard when he’s not here. The fact that you give me butterflies…it doesn’t matter that you’re a woman and no other woman has ever given me these feelings…he said I should get my affection where I can and-”

“Sweetie, you’re babbling.”

I laughed. “Sorry, this is just-”

“It’s weird,” she confirmed with a smile. “It’s your first lesbian experience and I’m your boyfriend’s ex-wife. It’s definitely weird, but weird is good! I’ve, honestly, been hoping we’d end up here for a while. Since you said ‘big happy family’, I’ve been imagining you and me, Jay in the middle…the more I know you, the more I want to love you. You’ve had so much bad happen, you deserve to be loved right.”

The tears came outta nowhere and I’m going to blame the wine. One second I was okay and the next, I was crying into Dee’s shirt as she held me tight. Not exactly the sexy picture Jensen was imagining.

She held me, ran her hand over my hair and down my back. “Come on, Y/n. Let’s get you some water and get you to bed, okay? We’ll talk some more tomorrow.”

I wasn’t sure I really wanted to talk the next day. Everything was overwhelming and crazy. I felt a bit crazy. Dee slept in the guest room. She was up and had coffee on by the time I woke up. “Janessa took Maverick to the store. She’ll be back in a little while.”

I nodded, poured myself a cup of coffee and sat with her at the table. “So…”

“So.” She smiled softly. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, sweetie.”

“No, I _do_ , it’s just…” I took a deep breath and avoided her eyes. “I don’t know how to talk about this. I’m still kinda…” I sighed and took a drink of my coffee. “Jay really wants me to give this a chance.”

“It shouldn’t be about Jensen. It should be about _you_ …and _me_.” She smiled. “Or not. If you want, we can just forget all about it.”

I scoffed. “No, we can’t. We’re…we’re drawn to each other, Dee…and not just as friends. We’ve both kissed each other and I don’t think it’s just gonna stop because we decide to forget about it. It’s…It’s kinda…It’s like when I was with Tom and I…I couldn’t stop myself from kissing Jensen. It’s that kind of pull, ya know?” Her cheeks went a bit pink and mine heated up, too, when I realized what I was admitting to. I looked away from her and bit my lip. “I just don’t…I don’t know how to do this. It seems so complicated and weird.”

She reached out and grabbed my hand. “We just go with the flow, go with our feelings.” She reached her other hand out and caressed my cheek, turning my head toward her and leaning forward. “We take comfort in each other, Y/n.”

Her lips hovered over mine for a moment. I could feel her breath on my own lips. My stomach was in knots, but it was good. I leaned into her, pressed my lips to hers. The kiss turned passionate quickly, our hands buried in each others’ hair, our tongues dancing across each other. My body filled with heat, tingling sparks of arousal between my thighs. We were moaning, grabbing at each other, her hand was traveling up under my shirt when the front door opened. We pulled apart and rushed to look like we weren’t just making out with each other.

“Good morning!” Janessa said, smiling as she walked in with Mav in his stroller.

“Good morning, Janessa. How’s our baby boy doing?” I said, standing.

Danneel stood and kissed my cheek. “I’m gonna head home. I’ll talk to you later, okay?“

"Okay.”

I hoped Janessa didn’t notice the way I blushed and looked down all shy. And if she did, I hoped she was like Clif and would keep it to herself.

Over the next few weeks, I spent every free moment I had with Danneel. We took the kids out to parks and on shopping trips, we had lunch and dinner with each other every day and when the kids went with their nannies for bed, we cuddled on the couch to watch movies and always ended up making out. I didn’t let it go further than that, though. Well, no further than second base.

I started looking for work as the days passed, knowing that eventually I would need something other than the cons to bring money in. Someone at Warner Bros. sent me an email that suggested I might want to send a headshot to TNT since they were casting for the Snowpiercer adaptation. It wasn’t long before they were asking for a video to back up the headshot. I was honestly surprised that they wanted to see more from me. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to have a career anymore after the stuff with Tom, so when they called me to say they had a part for me? I was jumping up and down, screaming in my head…but I waited until I was off the phone before I actually let myself jump up and down and shout.

“What happened?” Janessa asked, walking in with a smile on her face.

“I got the part! The Snowpiercer thing, I got it! Oh, my God! I gotta call Jensen!”

“I guess we’re gonna be re-upping the lease on the apartment, huh?” Jay said when I told him. I could hear the smile in his voice, could hear the pride. “I’m so happy for you, Baby Girl, and when I come down there this weekend, we’re gonna celebrate.”

“I can’t wait to see you, honey.”

“You tell Dee you got the part?”

I blushed at the mention of Danneel. “N-not yet, no.”

“How’s, uh, how’s that, uh, _friendship_ going?” he asked, quietly.

I bit my lip and shook my head. “It’s…it’s going. Nothing crazy. It’s just…It’s nice. Things are…I can’t talk about this, Jay. Come on.”

“All right, all right. Take a breath and let the blood out of your face.” I let out a soft chuckle and he sighed. “I love you, Baby Girl. I gotta get back to set.”

“Love you, too, Jensen. Tell everybody I said ‘hi’.”

“Will do.”

I gave the good news to Dee through a text message and she called to give me congratulations. She met up with me before I went to pick up Jensen from the airport and I have never seen his eyes shine as brightly as when he saw both of us waiting for him by the baggage claim. “My girls!” he exclaimed, wrapping an arm around each of us. When he pulled away, he smiled. “Where’re the kids?”

“With the nannies at Danneel’s house,” I answered. “Danneel brought over some Cowboy and Grackle. I bought some steaks which I’ve dry-aged with an amazing spice rub. We’re gonna treat you tonight.”

“That sounds amazing!” Jensen kissed my cheek. “I can think of better ways to treat me, though,” he whispered.

“Shush,” I whispered back, my face going hot as we walked toward the parking garage.

“So….how’s the thing going?” Jay asked as we drove toward the house.

“What thing?” Dee and I asked at the same time.

“Don’t be coy. Com'on. Have you gone all the way? Inquiring minds wanna know.” He made his eyebrows jump suggestively and I laughed. “Come on! You still just kissin’ when you’re drunk or what?”

Dee and I shared a look in the rearview mirror and smiled. “Inquiring minds will have to find out later,” she responded.

We cooked up steak, we drank our beer, we laughed and enjoyed each others’ company, and then we moved to the living room to watch some TV. Jay pulled me into his lap when I moved to sit next to him. “Come on,” he whispered. “How far did you get?” His tongue poked between his teeth as his eyes flashed to Danneel.

“Have you been fantasizing about it the whole time?” I asked.

“Hell, yes,” he answered honestly.

I chuckled and looked over at Danneel. “I wouldn’t let it go too far. It just didn’t feel right, ya know? Permission or not, I couldn’t have sex with someone without my boyfriend.”

His eyebrows danced again. “Oh, and you’d go too far if you were _with_ your boyfriend?” I blushed and looked down. He licked his lips and hummed. “Ooh, this is fuckin’ great.” He kissed me and I rolled myself against his lap. As we started making out, his cock getting hard in his jeans as he ran his hand up under my shirt to slide along my spine, Danneel moved to sit next to us on the couch and she attached her mouth to my neck.

“Bedroom?” she whispered in my ear and I whimpered as I pulled away to breathe. “Isn’t it time, sweetie?”

I nodded, slipping off of Jensen’s lap and wrapping my arms around Danneel’s neck, pulling her down for a kiss. She backed me against the wall and wrapped her fingers in the hem of my shirt, tearing it over my head and tossing it across the room. Jensen stood and chucked the fabric at the couch. “This is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said, running his hand across the front of his jeans.

I reached out and grabbed his shirt, pulling him to me and wrapping my arm around his neck. He was eager, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. He dropped me to the bed, kissing down my neck and across my chest, pulling the cups of my bra down and attaching his full lips to my nipple. Danneel moved to my left side and attached her lips to my other nipple. I moaned and arched into them.

Jensen’s hand slipped under my waistband and he started rubbing at my clit through my panties. Danneel moved up my body and started kissing me, twisting my nipple between her fingertips. “You two look so fuckin’ good together,” he said, pulling back and watching us for a minute before sliding down my body, taking my jeans and underwear down my legs and placing himself between my thighs. He kissed his way from my knee to my inner thigh as Dee kept me busy with her tongue in my mouth. “Have you thought about lickin’ her pussy, Baby Girl? Thought about gettin’ your tongue in her like I do for you?”

I couldn’t answer with anything other than a moan as he pointed his tongue and licked a stripe from my entrance to my clit. “I have,” Danneel whispered against my lips. “Not until you’re ready, though.”

“Wa-wanna try,” I whispered, rolling my hips against Jay’s face as I reached out and buried my hand in Dee’s hair, holding her to me and kissing her passionately. “Wanna taste you.”

Jensen slipped two fingers into me and started pumping them quickly in and out of me as he pulled back enough to watch us. “Danneel, if you don’t get naked and sit on her face, I swear to fuckin’ God…” His words drifted off and he buried his face in my cunt again.

“You sure?” Danneel asked, leaning back. I nodded. I wanted to try. She smiled sweetly and rolled off the bed. Jay and I both turned our heads to watch her undress, but he didn’t stop. He kept licking at me, his fingers still thrusting in and out of me as she uncovered her pristine skin. I gasped as she slid her panties down and slipped her fingers between her pussy lips.

“Lay down, Dee,” I said, reaching down to push Jensen away. As soon as she was on her back, I was kissing her, my left thigh pressing hard against her mound.

I’ve seen plenty of porn. I’ve had good, and bad, oral sex performed on me. What to do and what to avoid doing weren’t hard, but it was scary. It was something I had never done before, something I wanted to excel at.

I started with teasing kisses up her inner thighs, sucking little marks into her pretty skin just like I know I like. I didn’t go straight for her clit, didn’t sink my fingers into her right off. I sucked at her outer lips, grazed my teeth across her skin, ran my tongue over her folds. “You’re so good at that, sweetie. Never know it’s your first time,” she praised and that just made me go harder, increasing my efforts to please her.

“Hole-lee shit,” Jensen’s voice barely registered over her moans and the sound of him undressing definitely didn’t register, but the feel of the bed dipping behind me registered. The feel of his cockhead rubbing from my entrance to my clit made me gasp. “Fuck, Baby Girl, keep lickin’ her.”

He entered me slowly and I did the same to her, pushing two fingers into her pussy until they were knuckle-deep. “Oh, Jay, she’s so good with her tongue.”

“Yeah, she is. She makin’ you feel good, Dee?”

“Uh-huh. So good,” she responded, gasping out loud when I curled my fingers against her inner walls.

Jensen started thrusting into me, I paid it forward thrusting my fingers into Danneel, my tongue swirling over her clit. Jay changed the angle of his cock as he leaned over my body and grabbed Dee’s breast. I started sucking at her clit as he drove his cock into me. It didn’t take very long for me to become distracted, for my hand to stop moving and my tongue to get lazy. He noticed, leaned next to my ear and took the lobe between his teeth. “If you aren’t gonna make her moan, Baby Girl, I’m gonna do it.” I whined as he tugged on my ear. “You gonna let me make her moan, Y/n?” he whispered. I nodded.

He pulled out of me and I rolled out of his way. He covered her body with his and started kissing her. As I watched them together, I felt a little awkward, but not jealous. Not upset that Jensen was fucking his ex-wife…my kinda girlfriend. Just…well, what do I do while they’re fucking? I didn’t have much time to worry about that, though, because Danneel reached out and started rubbing my clit as Jay jackhammered his cock into her. I started plucking and pulling on my nipples, closing my eyes and going with the pleasure.

His grunts and moans, her gasps and whimpers, the sound of their perfect bodies moving together, the feel of her fingertips on my sensitive bundle of nerves…it all came together to make me cum screaming.

“Did she just-” Dee asked, panting.

“Doesn’t even have anything inside her,” Jay said, chuckling as he picked up his pace. “Sometimes she makes this noise, it’s this pitchy whine…that’s when you know you’ve got her.”

I sat up, panting as I watched them. Dee was practically wrapped around Jay, feet crossed at the small of his back and arms wrapped around his neck, their bodies moving together. “Oh, God, Jensen!” she exclaimed, digging her nails into his back. “I forgot–fuck, so good!”

“Didn’t forget,” Jensen grunted out. “Never forgot how good you feel. Never forgot how you sound when you’re cumming on my cock.”

“Please, please, please, please,” she rambled out and I gasped as I watched her body seize up and her eyes roll back. I’ve never seen an orgasm face as beautiful as hers.

Jay dropped his head to her shoulder and fucked into her a few more times before pulling out and cumming across her stomach. He licked his lips and hummed happily. “That was…fantastic,” he said, chuckling.

“Go get a washcloth, Jay,” I said, smiling.

He nodded and jumped off of the bed, almost dancing naked into the bathroom. Danneel smiled up at me, her cheeks still pink, her forehead shining from exertion. “It really _was_ fantastic. I can’t believe that was your first time with a woman.”

“I just did what I like,” I said, pushing her hair out of her face.

“Well, next time I’ll return the favor, huh?” she promised, leaning up to kiss me. “You’re okay with this, right? All of this?”

I nodded. “Yeah. It’s good. It’s all-all good.”

“You know what’s great about this situation?” Jay started, walking in with a damp washcloth. “I no longer have a wife and a mistress. I have a girlfriend and my girlfriend’s got a girlfriend.”

I looked away, smiling softly. I was still his girlfriend…and crazy as it was…Danneel wasn’t his wife…she was my girl. “I think this is gonna work out just fine,” I said.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary** : Y/n is faced with questions and fears on the heels of her night with Jensen and Danneel.

**Chapter Warnings** : angst, regret, self-esteem issues, depression, stress and pressure

~~~~~~~~~

Waking up in bed with two other people was new. Waking up to see my boyfriend and his ex-wife embracing each other in their sleep was...a bit heartbreaking. But it shouldn’t have been. They were both my people, right? They both cared about me and I cared about them, so why would seeing them holding each other hurt? I watched them fuck just hours before...and they looked so perfect together.

A pang of jealousy hit me as I remembered them moving together, Jensen telling her how he’d never forgotten how she felt. I wasn’t jealous in the moment so why would I be jealous after?

I slowly slipped off the bed and grabbed my pants off the ground, pulling them on and walking out into the main part of the house. I started to clean up beer bottles and evidence of our night, but my brain kept replaying the way he sounded when he said, “If you’re not gonna make her moan, I’m gonna do it.”

Fuck, what if this whole thing was just a way to get back in bed with her? He was pushing for it so hard, I figured he just wanted the whole two-chicks thing, but what if it was all about Dee? This way he gets to have her back without having to feel bad about leaving me, because I’m _here_ , just...not his number one.

I dropped the bottles in the recycling and shook my head at myself. No. I couldn’t do this shit to myself. He’ll always love Danneel, but he was _with_ me.

Probably because their breakup and him starting to date me was so public...because of Mav...because if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we probably would have kept our relationship a secret and he would have been able to go back to her a lot more easily. I mean, there’s plenty of people who go back to their exes after a divorce.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just in the way.

I made a pot of coffee and took a mug of it out to the back porch, looking out over the beautiful hill country of Texas. I came to the conclusion that I was overreacting. Jensen loved me. Danneel cared about me. The night before wasn’t a trick to rekindle their relationship. It was harmless. I mean, Danneel and I talked about doing it for a week before Jay got home. He didn’t even know about it, so how could he have been tricking me?

Even though he did push hard for me to get with Dee. He’s smart enough to know that I wouldn’t go all the way without him present...so he might have guessed that...

No. Just...no.

* _God, why am I like this?_ * I thought, trying to shake away the bad thoughts.

“So I was thinking we could order in lunch and just spend the whole day lounging,” Jensen said, walking outside with a mug of his own. He was wearing boxers and a plain white shirt.

I opened my mouth to say that sounded nice but then Danneel followed him out onto the back porch. She was barely dressed in one of Jensen’s button-up shirts with only a few buttons done. “Someone has to go relieve the nannies,” she said, sounding a little disappointed.

“Yeah, I got it.” I stood and set my mug on the little round glass table between the two rocking chairs.

“Hey, you don’t have to-” Jay started, but I shook my head.

“I’m the only one dressed. Y’all order in. I’ll take the kids to McDonald’s, let ‘em wear themselves out on the PlayPlace and give the nannies some time to themselves,” I answered. I went to my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his cheek, then hers. I grabbed my keys and left. No better way to prove that you’re not jealous than to leave them alone together, right?

As I watched the kids crawl through colorful tubes and tunnels, I rocked Maverick in my arms. My stomach was in knots. Was it regret? Fear? Did I really have a right to feel either of those things? No. No, I don’t think so.

I pulled out my phone and called Dr. McCaulief’s office. I needed to talk it out with someone, but I knew I couldn't talk it out with any of my normal people...two of them were the problem. Dr. McCaulief’s receptionist said she could get me in the next day at 9:45 and I figured I could fight down the bad feelings ‘til then.

But it kept getting more difficult. I kept imagining them both leaving me, running off into the Texas sunset with each other. I kept imagining being alone...just me and Maverick and my depression. I kept thinking about how I’d been so excited to give them what they wanted, so eager to please them...but why would I hate it so much the next day?

* _God, what is wrong with me?_ *

I held it together when I got home, though. Jay didn’t even seem to notice. That might be because his mind was full of Danneel, but I’d like to think it was my acting ability on display.

“So, the wrap party for the last episode is on Friday. You still planning to fly up or are you gonna skip to spend as much time with your girlfriend as possible before you gotta move up for Snowpiercer?” he asked as we made dinner together that night.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I said quietly. “And I’ll come to the party if you want me there.”

Jay’s eyebrows came together as he turned to look at me. “Why wouldn’t I want you there?”

“I don’t know. You seem to really want me to spend a lot of time with Dee. Figured maybe you _want_ me to stay.” I shrugged and turned back to the tomatoes I was cutting. “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. So, it’s gonna be you and Nessa with Mad Max until I get back.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said, before walking over and wrapping his arms around me. “I want you at the party, Baby Girl. You know how much I love when you get all dressed up with your hair and makeup all gorgeous so I can mess it all up for you.”

I smiled and leaned my head back against his shoulder, but inside I was cringing. Inside, I was running from his embrace. Inside, I was screaming. Which was absolutely absurd, because it was _Jensen_. Jensen’s touch has never made me cringe...except that day.

We ate dinner with Janessa, then we went to bed. I told him I had a headache and an early morning before I turned over away from him and fell asleep. It was only half a lie. I just knew I couldn’t have sex that night. I knew that if I did fuck him, I wouldn’t be able to cum. I’d fake it to avoid talking about why I wasn’t able to...and that would put him in the same category as Nate and Tom...and Jensen should never be in that category.

He was still asleep when I left the next morning. Of course, I did leave a good two hours before my appointment...to avoid him.

Avoid. Jensen. What the hell was wrong with me?

“Miss Y/l/n, I can assume things aren’t well considering the urgency of your timing,” Dr. McCaulief said as I sat down.

I sighed and shook my head. “I was doing so well. I really thought-”

“What happened?” the doctor asked.

“Um...I’ve been...I’ve been getting really close with my boyfriend’s ex-wife, Danneel. She...she’s this...she’s this beautiful and amazing woman and I...I guess...I developed a bit of a crush on her, I guess, and I was drunk a few weeks ago and I kissed her, right? And I felt bad about it and I told Jay and he told me that I should pursue a _thing_ with her and I did and I liked it. It feels nice to be wanted, I guess, especially by someone like her and Jay kept pushing for it and I wanted to do what he wanted me to do but I-I couldn’t do the whole thing with her because I’m with him but Dee and I decided that we should do it _with_ him and the other night we all slept together and I’m having a lot of issues with it because...I don’t know. I didn’t have a problem when we were planning it or doing it but as soon as I woke up the next morning, I was filled with all this bad feeling, some of which I can’t even identify and I just feel like I’ve changed my mind after the fact and I don’t even think that’s possible or _allowed_ and I just generally feel overwhelmed and insecure and like a really shitty person for feeling the way I’m feeling and I want to cry, like, all the time.”

“Take a deep breath, Y/n.” I did what the doctor said and let it out slowly. “Now. You had a sexual encounter that you’re regretting.”

“I guess,” I responded.

“You keep saying that. ‘I guess’. Why are you guessing?”

“Because I don’t know what...what I’m feeling or why. That’s why I’m here,” I answered.

She leaned forward and handed me a bottle of water, which I twisted the top off of. “So, let’s look into this. You said you kissed Danneel. Why do you think that happened?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. Jensen said it’s because I’m starved for attention. For affection.”

“And Danneel was providing that for you. She was giving you attention. So you kissed her when your inhibitions were lowered. But why did you continue with her?”

“Because Jay told me not to run,” I answered, running my thumbnail along the ridges on the bottle cap.

She wrote on her notepad and hummed. “Because Jay told you to,” she said, knowingly. I swallowed and looked down at my lap. “I’m gonna point out something you said at the beginning. You said, ‘I wanted to do what he wanted me to do’. Is it possible that you're regretting this encounter now because it wasn't something you really wanted to do?"

I shook my head and looked up at her. "No, because Dee and I planned it for a week. We were excited about it."

"So, Danneel, who you greatly admire and envy in a lot of ways, a woman you think is beautiful and worldly and everything you're not...a woman you said is a 'much better match for Jensen' in our Skype session...She wanted it, Jensen wanted it. Pushed for it." I looked away again, twisting the cap off the bottle. "I think you got swept away in your desire to keep up with them, to keep them happy, and I don't think you even thought about whether it was something _you_ wanted."

"Of course I wanted it. _I_ kissed _her_."

"She kissed you first," the doctor reminded. "And kissing her while you were drunk isn't the same as sleeping with her, which is something you couldn’t bring yourself to do when it was just the two of you." I took a drink of the water and bit the inside of my lip as she continued. "I bet it seemed like a very fun and sexy idea when Danneel was hatching it, and everyone gets what they want that way, right? Danneel gets you _and_ Jensen back. Jensen gets you and _Danneel_. But if you're only participating because you want them happy, if it makes you feel like this to be with them, you certainly cannot continue on this path."

I shook my head. “I can’t...Doctor, I love Jay and I really like Danneel and-”

“You feel horrible, Y/n. Sad, upset...dirty?” she guessed and I looked at the floor. That was definitely one of the feelings I hadn’t identified. “You did something you regret because you wanted to please the people you care for, but you have to be honest with yourself and you have to be honest with them. It can’t happen again, Y/n.”

“I don’t...I don’t know if I can...tell them...that,” I whispered. I wiped my fingers under my nose and took a shaky breath. “How do I tell them that, Dr. McCaulief? They were so happy...so happy to be with each other, and with me, and I can’t just tell them I changed my mind because it makes me feel bad after.”

“Yes, you can,” she argued, leaning forward. “You _have_ to tell them. Your mental health is paramount, Y/n. The fact that you woke up the next morning and felt so poorly that you had to call my office and get in to talk to me as fast as possible, that you agreed to be squeezed into a twenty minute gap between my other patients that I usually use to file paperwork? That tells me that you know how much you needed to hear this. You _have_ to tell them. You have a right to feel bad about something you pressured yourself into doing, even if you didn’t recognize that’s what you were doing at the time. You wanted them happy and you _still_ want them happy, but you need to be happy, too. Their happiness should not come at the expense of your own.”

She was right. I love Jay and I like Dee and I wanted them to be happy, but...the feelings I was fighting with: regret, sadness, shame...they were just going to get worse if I didn’t put an end to it. But how? How to tell them?

I thanked the doctor and set up a Skype appointment for two weeks out. I’d be in Vancouver by then, getting set up for Snowpiercer. I’d be away from Jensen and Danneel. Maybe that’s what I needed...some time to get my head straight.

Jensen was laying on the floor in the living room with Mav, doing tummy time with the baby on his little green mat. He flipped over onto his back to smile up at me as I set my purse down. “Hey, mama. Mav has been doin’ this inchworm thing. I took some video on my phone. Kid’s gonna be crawlin’ in no time.”

“Yeah, Nova did the same thing. We have video somewhere of her, like, eighteen days old and she’s doing the inchworm thing.”

“They must get it from you then,” he said, getting up on his knees and looking up into my eyes. “You feelin’ better now? How was your appointment?”

I swallowed. “I know what the problem was, so that’s...that’s a start.”

He wrapped his arms around my hips and laid his head on my belly. “You don’t have to talk it out with me, Baby Girl. Just tell me you’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m gonna be okay, Jay,” I promised, running my hands through his hair.

“I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you, too,” I whispered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t mention it. I didn’t call Danneel over the week leading up to me flying to Vancouver to join everyone for the wrap party. Jensen seemed to know I needed him, so he was just there for me, just present in a way that was comforting. He was the affection and attention I needed.

“You sure you wanna come to the party?” he asked as he walked up behind me to adjust his bowtie in the mirror.

"No. I came all this way, left my baby behind a good week earlier than I needed to for work because I hate the idea of going to this party with you and saying goodbye to the show I love, the show that put me in your life and gave me pretty much all of my friends. I'd much rather stay home and take a nap," I said, sarcastically.

He chuckled and leaned over me to kiss my cheek. "Just makin' sure, Baby Girl. Wouldn't want you to think you have to just because I want you to, ya know?"

I sighed. There was a perfect opportunity to tell him how I felt about the big happy family thing, but I couldn't...not right before a party that was bound to be an emotional rollercoaster for him. I decided to wait.

We were pulled apart from each other almost immediately when we got to the party. He had things to do with Jared and Misha and I was just...alone. * _Might as well get used to it._ * I thought.

“You’re lookin’ all lonely,” Misha said, walking over and handing me a soda.

I nodded. “My boyfriend’s all busy so I’m all lonely. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

Misha’s eyebrows scrunched together as he sat down next to me at the table. “Are you okay?”

I smiled brightly and took a drink of the soda. “Of course I am.” He just raised his eyebrow at me. The ‘Don’t Lie to Me’ eyebrow. I swirled the dark liquid in my cup and swallowed heavily. “I’m...not. Every time I think I’ve worked through something, something else pops up. Add that to the fact that I’m gonna be up here for months working by myself...and the trial is gonna be somewhere in the middle of that...I don’t know how to...deal with that. So, no...I’m not okay.”

Misha reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. “Y/n, I’ve known you for years and I’ve seen you go through it, right? I know you’ve pulled yourself up out of some bad situations. This isn’t any different.”

I smiled tight and nodded. “Right. It’s just the same. But it never seems to end, does it?”

“I’m sorry. But it will get better. You just have to keep fighting.”

I scoffed and took a drink. “Yeah, that’s the tagline, isn’t it? It works for Jared, right?” I stood and nodded at the restrooms. “I’ve gotta run to the little girl’s room. You should stop hanging with the sad sack and go have fun.”

I just sat in the stall for a while. I was mentally exhausted. So tired of everything. But I had to keep going.

Jay was waiting for me in the hallway when I got out of the bathroom. “Hey. Meesh said you need some love.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine. Just had a minor issue. I’m good.”

Jensen reached out and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me close and looking down into my eyes. “You want me to stay past Monday? I can call Janessa, let her know.”

“No. I’m gonna be okay. Your kids need you in Texas. I mean, you finally have time, Jay. Your kids need you.”

“But if _you_ need me, then-”

I went to my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Don’t worry about me, Jensen. I’m fine. I’ll be just fine.”

He looked into my eyes for a few moments before he leaned down and kissed me. “Yeah, you will.”


End file.
